Weigh-In ... This is Hard

Today's Weight: 190 . 0

Loss/Gain: + 2 . 5

Total Loss So Far: - 41 . 0 lbs

You can imagine my frustration at seeing this number today. I've seen it most of the week and it's been frustrating all week. I'm not 100% on plan, but to be up to 190 is driving me crazy.

Crazy to point of truly looking at where the problem lies. I've spent time this morning reading through some beginning chapters of Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst and looking up in scripture biblical truths with regards to discipline and acceptance.

Yes, acceptance.

I struggle with overeating and lack of discipline when it comes to food, as is obvious by my lack of reaching my goal weight in over two years since trying, but I also struggle greatly with acceptance. My husband, parents and closest friends know this is true. It's my own great mind battle and something I have to overcome.

As I've read through scripture and really made myself sit and look at why I keep reaching for those no-bake chocolate cookies when I'm not hungry (that was an issue this week) or why I keep eating when I'm not hungry I come to some different conclusions. To name a few I realize...

• I still see myself as the chubby blonde girl who was the friend of the girls boys liked.
• I still see myself as the chubby mom on the sidelines.
• I have always made friends easily, and have a very full and happy life, except when it comes to my struggles with food.

As I finished writing up a response to one of her "Personal Reflections" at the end of a chapter I was amazed at what flowed out of my pen. It went like this, "...crazy, but maybe....just maybe I feel like food ALWAYS accepts me, it's dependable, but material things and relationships are much harder, less accepting [or fulfilling]...so I turn to food. BUT I NEED TO TURN TO GOD and 'do all things as unto the Lord and not unto man.' wow. "

For someone who struggles with acceptance and rejection this is very hard for me to put out for you all to read, but since I find it very telling I had to share.

Some may feel I am putting too much emphasis on food and overeating in my life, but I think it's a sign of deeper issues that I'm working through. Being the chubby girl and mom is a comfort zone for me and breaking out of that zone to a woman who is made for more than the vicious cycles of overeating and guilt is very scary.

I have found myself thinking many times, "I'll never be like her (Diane, or Lori, or Stephanie), but as I turn to God (and look at those women's past struggles with food and how they have overcome them) I realize I can be. As Lisa likes to say often in her book, I was made for more.

So, friends in blogland, this is where I am today. Struggling and clinging to the small spark of hope and desire that I will break free from this vicious cycle and be all that God has called me to be in Christ, because I know he didn't call me to be beat down but to stand tall and be an overcomer.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23 & 24

As always, I will not give up. I can't.