Now that you have an idea where I'm at with my life (see previous post) and weight and exercise...I am going to get something off my chest.
It is frustrating to have to be so careful with my food and exercise to stay at a healthy weight. However, for me, what's even more frustrating is the fact that I have to make such a conscious effort to eat better or eat smaller portions. I dislike very much that my natural inclination is to eat junk or too much food just because, and of course I get frustrated that it doesn't take much extra food or lack of movement for the weight to jump right back on.
I know this is totally normal and it's why the majority of people who lose weight gain it all back.
Because it's a fight. It's a daily choice to keep making decisions that are better for you.
Isn't it crazy that I have no problem making better choices in other areas, but this area is one of those that is rough. It's the proverbial thorn in my side. I guess it's better than fighting a drug addiction, so I am grateful for that, but it's still hard and frustrating and often doesn't feel fair.
Today as I was blogging I was thinking, "You dope. If you could just get your head completely in the game, then you would be a winner at this and you'd no longer struggle with your weight."
But I don't think that's true. Or at least I'd like to think it's not, because then it gives me a reason to still feel like it's a fight to be that healthier, never-struggles-with-"good"-food-choices lady I dream of being.
I feel a little better.
Maybe I'll print this and tuck it in my mirror to look at daily. As a reminder that I need to not give up and fall into "vacation mode", because for me that leads to weight gain and feelings of upset tummy, not to mention the emotional upset of feeling like a big fat failure. (I already have had to tell myself to ignore the memories of how thin I was two years ago when I came to visit my grandparents...)
Or maybe I can look at this and be reminded that it's because I refuse to give up that I m not completely starting over. I'm in a slump that I will not allow to go any further than it already has. I know this to be true, because I keep making sure I don't go up any further and haven't in six months.
I know when I am settled again I can and will get back to even better eating. Until then, I will press on fighting the fight so that I don't have more than 20 pounds to deal with later on.
Because coming on here and complaining, and thinking, and venting reminds me that I am not back up at 230 pounds and I have no intention of getting there again. I won't quit.
I may cry and complain and whine, but really this is a fight I can win -- am winning if I dare be so optimistic -- so I will keep on with one of my original mottos/choices.
Thanks for listening. It's not over, because I am NEVER going back to that overweight woman I was...not if I can help it, and so far, thankfully, I can.