Today's Weight: 168.5
First off, yes it's Saturday. We've had a very busy week and when I saw that number on the scale I was pretty upset. I was also exhausted from the week, so after dropping my girls off at a camp they're volunteering at I went back to sleep on my couch. I know I needed the rest because I slept for two hours.
Then I had to get on with my day and never did get a chance to posting my weight. A gain is not usually something you want to squeeze into a busy day to share, right? :) The good, if there can be any is that TOM arrived a day or two before, so it does explain things.
The bad is that it added to a recent frustration of mine.
I am physically right between a size 12 & 14 at most stores, which is vexing when I think if I'd lost another 10 pounds (instead of gaining 5 lately) I could fit easily into ALL 12's. Then I had a breakdown in a parking lot. But...I did find something that fit. Glory!
I am right in between a size 14 and size 12. All size 14's are comfy loose on me and most size 12's are just a tad too tight. Some 12's and mediums fit, but not all. I know this because I need a pair of denim capris for a performance coming up, so I've been trying on clothes lately. And for the first time in a long time shopping has been a vex, because all of the 14s are too loose -- as in, "I'm not spending money on something that's loose to begin with because I do plan on losing at least another 10-15 pounds..even if I don't make it to 140." ugh.
So, it was with that shopping history, time to shop as all my kids were away for the day yesterday that I wake up to see the scale is 1.5 higher than the day before. Add to that sleep deprived and I wasn't doing to hot.
Even after the extra sleep and showering I was not feeling my best. In fact, I had to make a decision that I can not let the fact that I (as I see it) haven't done my best to lose more weight, so I can fit in a size 12 comfortably in time for this performance affect my day.
I decided I'd go to Goodwill first to look for some capris. No luck there, so I made my way over to Kohls, because I know their Sonoma + Life brand always fits my more curvy bottomed self the best. As I was driving over I made a lady mad when I didn't stop fast enough for her family crossing the parking lot. I was going maybe 5-10 mph and didn't see their family until just before they were crossing into my half of the lane, but I stopped plenty of distance away from them.
I understood her being a little upset, maybe scared I wouldn't have stopped, and mouthed a quick apology. It's wasn't an almost hit and run, nor did I come even close to hitting her family. She looked at me and I could read her mouth saying "That girl wasn't going to stop." yada. yada. Now, folks, I'd feel the same way, but it'd been a rough morning. I felt bad and kept going, after they crossed and I passed by them she looks over her shoulder again at me with attitude and I just lost it.
I started crying as I went to park and then I sat in my car crying. Not being able to fit into a size 12 jeans is nothing to cry over, but when it's just one more thing and then (pardon me) I had cramps and am going through other things...I'd just had it.
There are people dying in the world. I have family with sickness that has not gone away. There are worse things going on than my life, but it just wasn't a good time for some lady to look at me like I was a spoiled brat who wasn't concerned with her family's safety. (Like I said, I hadn't even come close...who knows...maybe she lost some in an accident in a parking lot. I don't know. All I know was that was it for me.)
So, I sat in my car Kohls parking lot and I prayed and cried, and hoped no one would ask me if I was okay. I knew I would be. Thankfully, as I just let the tears flow for a couple minutes and cried out to God with my frustrations He brought peace. I read over my husband's amazing words of encouragement (I have it on my phone as a reminder..) and reminded myself that this is life and it's going to be fine.
I gathered myself together and went in to Kohls where I was very excited to find the capris I like on sale for $19.99. I grabbed both a 12 and 14 to try on, tried on the 12 and they fit perfectly. I also grabbed a cute tawny solid colored T and found a pair of red shoes similar to Toms marked down to $12.99 from $44.99. I'd been wanting some red casual shoes like those, so I was thrilled with that as well.
In fact, it was like a little bit of blessing in that changing room as I was reminded that the scale might be up a little, but I'm not 231 pounds again. I am on the verge of being able to buy 12's at all stores, and thankfully I picked a good one to shop at yesterday. I was able to find what I need for my performance without having to settle for spending money on something loose. Now I know my $20 will get put to good use.
So, I said all that to say this...I am still fighting the fight. I'm learning that running makes you stronger, but it's easy to eat too much when burning large amounts of calories on certain days (another post for another time).
I'm also very grateful I can come share this honestly on my blog. Sometimes I may need a journal for moments like this, but sometimes I want to share the blunt honesty of where I'm at. Then others will know that I do have horrible days, that I am upset when I see the scale fluctuating and that I do have to make a decision whether or not I'm going to allow the number on the scale to make or break me.
No, I will not. I do want to lose more weight. I was afraid taking on the half marathon would push my weight loss to the side, but I decided to do it anyway. I am learning that my body is still my body and weight loss doesn't change saggy skin or poochy parts, but with clothes that fit my body shape it's fine.
I don't want to go on anymore, but I do appreciate you allowing me to get this out. This is me in real time. I won't quit. I did look over all my food journal last week and see what I could've done differently. I can do this and I will try, one day at a time, one choice at a time.