Today's Weight: 165.5
Loss/Gain: - 3.0
Let me see if I can put what I'm feeling into words today...
My family has been going through something that I'm not at liberty to share on my blog. It's personal. It's not life threatening, but it has proven to be life changing. It has also proven to have more of an impact on me and my weight loss journey than I imagined it would.
I have been up five pounds since the beginning of this situation and while I told myself over and over "Food is not the answer" I found myself losing the motivation to keep going. It's like I thought this situation would be more like a footnote in volume 2013 of my life story, " *Oh, and yes during all of this ______ was occurring."
Instead it has become full chapters at times. It has made me face some fears, deal with weakness and dig deep to see just how strong I can be.
To put your mind at rest, we have not lost anyone or anything dear and precious to us. Which, in fact, is what made it so frustrating at times. My life is still pretty easy, with the exception of this one thing. I'm a blessed woman, which is why it was tearing me up that I had days I couldn't seem to handle things.
I was frustrated that this situation was starting to take a toll on my weight loss journey. I had a feeling it might affect my weight loss, so it wasn't completely unexpected; however, I had hoped I had broken through enough emotional walls with regards to my weight that I'd be fine.
And I have been fine...until the last week or so. As I'm sure you must have noticed on my blog.
So, while I had turned to God and a dear friend with my issue I finally opened my heart completely to my husband. I decided I could sit around and wait for him to read my mind, or I could tell him I need some encouragement as I felt only he could give.
We've had this little inside joke lately about him putting on his superhero cape to come to my rescue for various little things like putting the garage door on manual mode, so I told him I needed him to put the cape back on and please help me. I explained how I'm up five pounds, how I'm frustrated and I REFUSE to gain any more weight. I was open to any encouragement, but also to any firmer words he might feel were needed to help me refocus.
I won't share every detail of the conversation with you, but suffice it to say he spoke words that were a balm to my frustrated soul. There was a perfect blend of tenderness and encouragement to encourage me to keep going. He reassured me he would love me no matter what size I am. And he called me an athlete. Me...an athlete. :) He suggested I'm only in a slump, like many athletes go through, and I will come out of it.
When the conversation was over I was anchored again in the things I know to be true about where I am and where I've come from with regards to my weight loss journey. I was not taken by surprise by the current situation, but I have been very humbled by it at times. It is bringing out some things in me I have not had to deal with before. It's forced me to look at my healthiness journey in a new way as well, because I'm having to decide if I will let hardships throw me off track.
After this conversation with my husband, and with my friend a week or so ago, I was reminded that I will not, can not, be thrown from the track. I refuse.
I refuse to go back to the overweight, inactive woman I used to be.
I am not her anymore, and I never want to be her again.
I was also reminded that this is MY journey and I have to work on it in the best way for me.
So, I decided to take it a day at a time. I knew I couldn't go 110% with my eating and exercise, but I decided I could do my best one day at a time. This past week my goal has been to simply make it through each day. I think over my day and decide what is one thing I will or will not do that will help me health wise.
One day it was to not have any dessert at a graduation party. The other days it was to stay within my calorie budget. One day it was to stay within the calorie budget and make sure I left 170 calories in the budget for a greek yogurt snack I knew I would want later in the evening.
This has been working for me. After so many weeks of emotional roller coaster rides I have reservations about saying "Oh yea, baby!! I'm back!!!", but I can tell you with a quiet reassurance I am here. I am pressing forward and day by day I know I'll get to my goals. Losing three pounds this week is scale proof.
It's not over.
Thank you for checking in and for listening.