Weigh-In ... I Won't Quit

Today's Weight: 168.5
Loss/Gain:  + 0.5

I don't really have anything to say today.  Sometimes we bounce back from PMS and sometimes we don't.  I'm learning lots about how outside events can cause stress even if we don't think it will.

I'm also sure, deep down inside that I won't quit.  I have no desire to see 170 on the scale, and I won't.  No questions.  I'm just figuring some things out right now.

Have a good weekend.  I have a "date" with my son tonight.  We're going to watch Cars 2 while his sisters go to teen night at church.  :)

Oh, By the Way - 4 Years

Somehow I missed my official blog-iversary, because I always think it's later in the month than it is.  Then I got busy, vexed, etc. etc. and didn't feel like posting to celebrate 4 years into this weight loss journey. 

Today I am doing better and ready to celebrate a little.  :) 

Let me first start off by saying I was feeling pretty fat this week.  It just hasn't been that good of a week for me with regards to food.  Not that I've eaten tons, but more than I need.  I'm up about five pounds from my lowest and frustrated with that.  PMS is over, so I'm supposed to just bounce back into great, wonderful eating right? 

Apparently not this week.  Then some non-weight issues arose and that was just frustrating.  

So, yesterday evening I called a friend of mine and we chatted about the weight and non-weight issues. She is a great sympathizer and encourager and reminded me these are the days I have to remember where I was.  I told her the only thing keeping me going lately is the fact that I refuse to go back to where I was. 

This is where I was four years ago...

...and I remember feeling so huge around the thin ladies at this particular event, and I had already begun losing a couple pounds.  (of course, don't judge...my poor friend can't help how tiny she is...and she was the smallest one there. lol).

I remember buying that outfit and feeling cute in it, except that I was so large.  I was deciding that I had to do something about my weight, because at 32 years old I was having pain in my knees and my weight was creeping higher and higher even though I was learning to love myself as I was. 

I was happy, in the sense that my happiness does not come from a number on the scale and I have a wonderful husband who has always treated me as his queen no matter what size I am, but I was also a bit sad.  I was sad in the uncomfortable, is there any hope for this girl who has failed at weight loss so many times in the past way.  

So, I took a few small steps.  I would begin walking for 30 minutes three times a week, I would cut my regular soda down to only at mealtimes and I would try and only eat at mealtimes.

Four years later ... 

I've worked through so much emotional baggage that came with that added weight, choosing smaller portions and less junk has become a regular part of who I am and I have become a runner.  Me?  Yes, me...a runner!  Also, I've become a woman who although she is currently struggling with the desire/need to finish this journey (and regrets she is not at goal for this anniversary) is no longer uncomfortable physically and has hope.  

Hope.  

I have hope that change is possible.  I have hope that I don't have to follow in the footsteps of the women in my family and end up with diabetes.  I have hope that no matter how frustrating things can get at times I know deep down I will succeed. 

Yes, there are moments I look over old pictures of my family before these past four years and I wish I had started this journey much sooner in my adult life, but as my mantra quote above states, maybe I can't go back and start over, but I can finish with a new ending.

And I am doing just that.  

Happy 4 years to me!

Happy Memorial Day

I'm grateful for all those who gave their lives so we can enjoy this wonderful country we live in.

I hope your day went well. 

Weigh-In ... NSV: A Mind Battle Victory

Today's Weight:  168.0

Loss/Gain:  +2.0

At least I warned you.  *BIG GRIN*  If you're not sure what I'm talking about read Wednesday's post.  TOM has arrived and the PMS cravings (and subsequent too much over indulgences) were pretty bad this month. 

But it is a new day and there is hope for a loss next week.  

I know this to be true, because last night I had a small battle with myself and won.  The conversation went something like this: 

Scenario:  Working at the dining room table on a craft project in the evening. 

Mind:  Hhhmm...what can I have that's sweet?  

Body:  What?  Um, we're not hungry and we had a few M&Ms after dinner.

Mind:  [Ignoring body] I could make brownies, but that doesn't really sound good.

Body:  You're right.  Dinner didn't even really sit well with us and we're not really craving anything sweet.

Mind:  [Trying to ignore body]  Hhhmm..maybe I'll go get ice cream.  The kids are asking for some.  But I do know I'm not really hungry and honestly..I'm not really craving anything sweet.

Leave house to run quick errand and decide I'm going to go by Sonic for half-price shakes.  Yet, the conversation continues as I run errand.

Mind:  I can have a shake if I want to.  It's that time of the month.

Body:  But we really don't feel like having one.

Mind:  WHY?!?!  We always want sweets. 

Body:  You asked to learn to listen to your body.   So, listen to me...I'm full.  Yes, something sweet sounds good in thought, but not in reality.

Mind:  This is so weird.  Darned it.  I want a shake, and I think I only want to not have it so I can post tomorrow about how well I did resisting the temptation. 

Body:  No....you don't want it because you know we are full and we don't need anything else to eat.  Yes, you know you'll be proud of yourself for resisting, but the truth of the matter is you also know deep down you don't need the shake.  In fact, you also know you really, physically don't even want it.  Actually, grapes sound good -- they are cold and sweet and healthier.  You have some in the fridge and they sound better than a shake that is only going to fill you up and weigh you down...because you're not even really that hungry.  You're just a little munchy.

Mind:  I know.  (pausing in frustrating, knowing I can't cry because daughter is in car with me)  I know.  I did pray and ask God to help me listen to my body and my body is telling me grapes actually do sound better, IF I really need a cool sweet something.   Gosh darn it... I do know.  This is so hard sometimes, but I'm also really tired of eating just because it's what I used to do.  I always feel yucky afterwards and then the guilt comes and emotionally I'm vexed.  It seems it's easier to have the shake, but is it really??  I don't think so.. (sigh)

**Errand is completed, we pull into Sonic and I order only 3 shakes for the kids.**

Mind:  I don't even feel sad or deprived for not ordering a shake for myself.  I actually feel better about it.

Body:  Thank you for listening.  You'll be so glad you did later.  I'm made to help you know what we need, please trust me on this.

Mind:  I'm trying.  

Then I went home and had some grapes as I finished up my project.  I might have eaten a couple too many, but even then I knew it was a step in the right direction because being a tad over full on grapes is nothing like being over full on a thick, sweet milkshake.  

It was one small step back in the right direction, which is how this war will be won.  

As new-to-me fitness blogger and professional, Bonnie Pfiester, stated perfectly in a post The Secret to Reaching Your Goal, "While goals are very important, I believe some people are so overwhelmed with the end-goal, that they forget they really only have one task today – and that is to reach TODAY’s goal."

Last night I was able to reach the goal of listening to what my body was telling me.  I didn't feel hugely victorious, but I felt so much better than I would have had I given in to the temptation.  It was like I was able to break one small brick out of a wall of old habits that seems to have been creeping back up on me lately.  

So, I had victory and I will keep moving forward (and hopefully downward on the scale).  I think I'm also going to print this great word art that was attached to the above quote:  

Doesn't the Bible tell us this as well?  Why, yes it does.  

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.  Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  Matthew 6:34

*refreshingly contented sigh* 

I will take care of today, and each daily victory will lead to winning the war.  :)

Have a good weekend and thanks for checking in!  

Victorious during PMS

So, pardon the blunt honesty here, but I love this: 

There are months where I handle PMS fine, and then there are months I don't.  Thankfully I'm not too much of a yeller, but more of a "Can I get some chocolate and Pepsi for lunch, please, and for dinner?" kind of girl.  That's when I know something is up.

When my healthier eating goes out the window and I can't get enough chocolate, or sweets in general, it's usually a clue that something is about to begin.  And it's not a great movie or show.

My emotions also get pretty wacked out as well, which usually manifests itself in tears and feelings of inadequacy or failure....especially after I am stuffed from sweets and know that I've blown it with regards to my weight loss.  *sigh*

Why am I sharing this? 

Well, guess what my last couple of days have been like?  

Yep.  I know something is on it's way, because it's like I could not get enough sweet stuff in my mouth the last day and a half.  So ridiculous.  Honestly, I didn't really feel bad because I knew I was craving it like crazy; well, I didn't feel bad until I was full and knew I'd had too much. 

You see, I'm an "all-things-in-moderation" type of girl.  I balk horribly at the thought of giving up any one thing permanently in order to be healthy.  I'd rather learn to suffice with having a bite or small piece of something sweet than cut it out of my diet completely.  

And in the last four years I've been on this journey I've done really well with that.  In fact, I'm even pretty okay with having a gain the week of my cycle, because I know it's not there to stay.  However, when I am eating to the point of very full, still having dessert and know my body is asking me to please not have any more...well, that's frustrating.  In fact, I quite honestly think it's wrong, and when we do wrong things we should feel some sort of regret.

I do regret letting my sweet cravings get out of hand the last two days.  But with every regret is an opportunity to turn things around. 

So, this morning I took time in my morning prayers to lay this issue before God.  I know giving in to PMS cravings is not bad, but I admitted that I gave in a little too much and decided that though those cravings may not be totally gone for this month I will reign them in.  I will get back up, dust myself off and keep pressing forward. 

Because, thankfully...PMS DOES exist and that out-of-control-junk-eating lady is not who I really am anymore -- she is gone forever.  Yes, she tries to pop her head up once in a while, but today I reminded her I am not that lady anymore.  

Then I got up and dressed for a cycle circuit training class at the gym.  It was a hard, sweaty workout.  As I pushed through some tougher moments I'm happy to say I was reminded I can be victorious...even during "that time of the month".  

Half Marathon Plans

Hello!  So... my exciting news is that I'm going to do this in September: 

 If you've followed my blog for a bit, then you already knew I wanted to do a half marathon this year, so that's really not the biggest news.  The new news, and best part is I get to run it with her:

Yes, one of my bestest friends, Stephanie, is going to fly here and run the half marathon with me.  I'M SO EXCITED!!! 

When I told her I wanted to do the half in September we joked about her coming out to do it with me.  Well, months go by and she now has the plane ticket.  

She runs faster than I do, so we'll be running our own times that day;  but we'll be [virtually] training together and we'll be at the event together. 

We were both talking last night about how we read so much about ladies who run with their girlfriends and now we'll finally get to do that too.  Neither of us really have friends who run where we live, so we're super excited about this.  

I believe we're both going to follow the Half Marathon 'Finish It' training plan from Train Like a Mother (of which we're both huge fans).  I will be posting updates every couple of weeks to let you know how the training is going. 

So, I'm super excited about this.  I had decided to do the run at the beginning of the year, but now knowing I get to train with and run with a friend, who - by the way - I haven't seen face to face in almost 8 years...oh, so exciting!!  

And this is not just any friend, this is my friend and weight loss confidant who has been by my side from the pre-dawn of my weight loss journey.  She knows me so well and well..I could go on and on, but it's going to be a huge deal for us both to run this race together. 

That's it for today.  Thanks for checking in!! 

Motivational Monday - Wounded Warrior 10K

Note:  Exciting news is going to be published tomorrow, so I can share today about my race.  Please forgive me for letting you down. *giggle*

Hello!  So, over the weekend I participated in the 8th Annual Run for the Warriors race.  The race consisted of a half marathon, 10K, 5K and a 1-mile fun run with all proceeds going to support the Hope for the Warriors project.  This was my second year to run the 10K race and it was just as enjoyable this year as last year.  

My training for this race went by the wayside during a very busy spring, so I was a tad nervous, but it went fine.  As the race began I was hit with the getting-familiar-to-me feeling of being a loser at the beginning of the race when the crowd surges ahead, and I remember again how not-fast I am.  However, with two 10K races under my belt now I knew better than to be vexed about it.  

Yes, I'm always towards the back of the crowd at the beginning, but not even two miles in I start seeing people taking walk breaks.  Then about halfway through I begin passing some people.  

Now, please don't be offended if you're a runner who chooses to walk/run your races, but my victory in running is to be able to run the entire race.  I don't care if I don't have the fastest pace as long as I didn't have to walk.  I take a sort of pride in seeing others walk (even if they end up running again and beating me) knowing that they may show a faster time, but I am capable of running the entire race.  

This race is fun because it's such a patriotic group of people.  I love the neighborhood it's run in.  Some people come out and sit in their lawns encouraging us on.  I even saw my friend and her five children out in their yard and it was so fun to wave at them and then hear, "It's Ms.  Leah running!!!"  

(Insert pic of Navy team who chanted and carried a flag during 5K - GO NAVY!!)

Now back to the race...

During the race I enjoyed chatting with some younger ladies and then finished up chatting with another woman I met farther along.  The husband of one of the younger ladies works near my husband, so we exchanged phone numbers and talked about getting together for a run sometime in the future. 

My approximate finish time was 1 hour 11 minutes.  I saw 1:11:___ as I was crossing, but did not stay around to see the race results as I had to get home and shower to take my sister-in-law to the airport.  

In all honesty, I did have a moment as I was showering where I started to regret not training better and making a better time.  I had to be reminded that I had a great race considering the busy spring lack of training I had.  I met nice people, I ran only 1 minute slower than a year ago and my legs were not dead after it was over. 

So, I chose not to dwell on what could have been and instead decided to rejoice in finishing strong.  I also decided that after completing three 10K races I think I may be ready to start trying to train to run it in a faster time.  hhmmm... If I can run it in the same time without training, imagine what I can do if I actually train.  

Anyway, it was a good race and a great way to start my day.  

Special thanks to my daughter who offered to get up early and come support me and take pictures.  

Sweet girl!  XO

Weigh-In ... Earned Loss

Today's Weight: 168.0

Loss/Gain:  -2.0 lbs

I had a good week.  I paid attention to what and when I ate, trying to eat when hungry more often than not, and I exercised.  Yay! :)

Tomorrow is my 10K race (which is a post I started writing earlier this week, but forgot to post) and I think I'll be fine.  I have not trained for this race like I did last year.  However, running 6.2 miles is not a first time event for me this time.  I've ran that distance before and ran 5.8 miles this past Tuesday just to see where I was.  

I will be fine.  When I ran on Tuesday I didn't start feeling anything but great until after mile 5, so if that's how I do tomorrow I'll be great.  I'm not looking to make a personal record, just finish strong.  My pace is faster than last year, but if I make it in around the same time as last year I'll be content. 

So, I'll try and pop in to post a quick picture post race.  In the meantime, I'm going to go clean my room and then it's pizza and some pasta for dinner.  Carb load!!  Okay...well, I'm using the race as an excuse to enjoy a treat of Cici's pizza for dinner with my family tonight.  :)

Have a great weekend and come back Monday for some exciting news!   

Creamer NSV

I've been meaning to post all week, even started one yesterday, but alas my week got away from me.

So, today I share a text I sent to a friend of mine.  This is victory for me.  :)

I haven't used flavored creamer for a couple years now, but I love Dunkin Donuts coconut iced coffee. With temperature reaching 80's now I knew I'd enjoy an iced coffee every afternoon, so thus the temptation and victory.  :) 

See you tomorrow!

Weigh-In ... Just the Facts

Today's Weight:  168.0

Loss/Gain:  + 0.5 

Once again, I feel like I've maintained.  I have only gotten one good workout in this week, so it's been a matter of simply trying to keep my eating in line.  That happened some days and others it didn't.  I'm okay with it. 

Tomorrow morning is a Mother's Day Brunch at our church that I'm in charge of.  I've been crazy busy this week tying up loose ends, along with fitting in doctor's appointments and a monthly military spouse meeting I attend, etc. etc.  

To some those may sound like excuses, but they aren't.  They are the facts.  That's my life right now and after tomorrow I know things will slow down a bit and I'll be back to my regular workout routines. I also plan on striving for better in the eating area, but I'm not sure I'm going to keep with the online Weight Watchers.

Honestly, the only reason I don't want to stick with WW is because I don't care for the format of the food tracking app as much as I did My Fitness Pal.  I have noticed I do not track my food as much with WW, and I think it's because it's become a chore for me.  I was comfortable with My Fitness Pal, I knew the app well and I loved the "multi-add" feature.  So, I will go back to that shortly (and save my money, because there's no monthly fee to use it.)

Let's see... anything else??

No, I think that about wraps it up for this week.  Let me leave you with some cheerful thoughts...

Last evening at church I received two compliments that really touched me.  

One was from a woman who sits behind us every service.  She loved my new blouse (that fits me -- she's always getting after me to get new clothes that fit.  lol ) and said I have to have lost much more than 20 pounds since I moved here.  I told her, "No, I've only lost 20 in the last two years.", but she said I look just wonderful and insisted I had to be wrong.  :)   Now that kind of talk will always cheer a gal up.  (I told her it's probably the good girdle I wear. hee.hee. )

Then another woman who has lost about 90 pounds herself a while back looked at me and said, "You know you're the same size as me now!!" (with a HUGE grin on her face)  We used to attend the same Bible Study and had a few chats about food, struggles with food and she told me how she was heavy until about 5 years ago.  I was like, "No... really?", and grinned.  Maybe I am.  She laughed and said, "Hopefully that's not a bad thing." *giggle*  It's not.

If you read any of my posts this week you know that those little conversations were much needed encouragement for me.  My outward appearance is simply proof of the inner battles being fought, so when victory is showing sometimes it's encouraging that others notice.  

That wraps it up for today.  As always, thank you for checking in!  I hope you all have a nice weekend and don't forget to let your mother know you're grateful she gave birth.  :)  

Change of Wording

After much thought on some wisdom shared in a comment yesterday, I've decided that I'm changing how I'm thinking about where I'm at in my weight loss. 

I'm not in a place of "Not Good Enough", but in a place of ...

Good Enough and Striving for Better. 

Sometimes it takes having someone else read a post, or look over a thought to point out how negative we can sound, when we really don't mean to.   Funny thing, is after reading the observation and deciding that yes, I am good enough, I felt so much better about where I'm at.  

I'm busy, I'm still struggling a bit, but I'm a success and I will keep working for better.  

*contented sigh*

Thank you..dear commenter.  :)

[Not] Good Enough

***Note:  Please see above post...I've changed my attitude, in that I AM good enough.  I'm just going to strive for better. *** Edited May 9,2013

I don't have much time to write today, but I want to share a quick thought with regards to where I'm at right now in my weight loss journey.

Currently I'm down a total of 65 pounds.  I have gone from busting out of a 20W to wearing 14's loosely.  I'm able to run for an hour without dreading it, and going for a long brisk walk is like an easy workout to me.  My losing has been slow, but I have not gained anything more than 3 pounds from my lowest recorded weight.

This is all good, even great progress and I'm very proud of how far I've come.

I know that I could settle here as well.  For a lady who has not been able to stay this close to a healthy weight for more than a year in the 18 years she's been an adult I'm doing awesome to maintain between 164-168 like I have been the past six months.

But while this is good it's not good enough for me.

If I was eating great and do everything I could I'd seriously consider settling at this weight, but I'm not.   Settling where I am would be easy, but it would not be my best effort.

Yes, I have considered upping my goal weight from 140 to 150 lbs.  In fact, lately I'm thinking I'd just like to be comfortable in a size 12.  I think I'd be okay with that, but even 150 is another 15 pounds away.

I have been struggling again with overeating and snacking too much and too often.  Not often enough to cause large weight gains, and thankfully I seem to reign it in the next day/meal most times, but it's been a tad frustrating.  I've even had to remind myself a few times lately that food is not the answer.

Yes, no one would blame me if I settled where I'm at, but I know I'll never be content if I haven't done my best.

Good is fine, but best is better and I refuse to quit or give up hope of losing more weight until I've truly given it my all.  I will not settle for a half victory in my relationship to food.

So, that in a nutshell is where I'm at.  Thanks for stopping by!

I Was Selfish Today

Hello!

Even though the new class I want to take on Mondays just about killed my legs last week I decided I would go again this week.  I figured I'd go, take it slightly easier (if possible) and then see how I felt.  I was excited and it worked well with my plan for exercise during a busy week of revival services on top of finishing details for a Mother's Day Brunch I'm in charge of Saturday. 

Then last night after I parked my car in our garage we hear a loud noise and see that this has just happened: 

We just had a new garage door opener motor put in this past Friday morning.  So, I knew I'd have to call the property management and tell them something else broke.  I knew they'd send the guy out first thing in the morning. 

Which meant I might not be able to go to my exercise class. 

**Drooping shoulders.  Frowning face.  Furrowed eyebrows.** 

I could run later in the day, but I wanted to do my class. 

I want to stick with my good cross training class!! I have plans people!!  Plus..What if I don't show up and they think it was too hard for me?!?!  I can't let them think it was too much!! 

I knew they can send the garage door guy with a key to fix it.  Then my sister-in-law said she didn't have to work, so she could be home when he came.

So, I thought about it for, oh a few minutes and decided to be selfish. 

I used the car my sister-in-law is driving, which we luckily had left parked out in the driveway, and went to the class.  

Part of me wanted to be at the house, but more of me decided since I had a way to leave the house I was going to.  If I'm going to stick to my exercise plans I've got to try and work other things around my workout time.  That means sometimes I have to be selfish, in a good way. 

By the way...The class went great!!!  My legs are not completely dead today.  It was the same class, but I took things a little easier.  I think I could've pushed a tad harder, but I'll save that for after my 10K. I just needed a good cross training workout with some strength and cardio and that's exactly what I got.  It was great! 

Also, the lady that gave me the high five last week chatted with me a few minutes today.  She's so kind and such a great cheerleader.  I love meeting people like that at the gym.  

So, I was bit selfish, but it was worth it.  *contented sigh*

Weigh-In ... Staying Accountable

Today's Weight:  167.5

Loss/Gain: + 3

So, remember last week I said I didn't think I really deserved the 2.5 pound loss?  Well, it's because the day before, and the few times I checked during the week, I was 167/167.5.  I'm not trying to justify this gain, but this week I just tried to not overdo it too many times and wasn't surprised when I saw this number on the scale.  I feel more like I've been holding steady versus had a horrible weight gain week.

Yesterday I told my mom that I almost thought about not posting my weight today and being like, "I'll post my weight again when I'm lower." But I know that if I quit posting my weight weekly it could lead to not caring about my health.  Just like baby steps forward helps us lose weight, baby steps backwards can lead to weight gain.  If I do nothing else but blog my weight weekly that helps me stay accountable. 

So, I know what needs to happen to keep losing.  I've honestly had a few days this week where I felt like I'm good with where I'm at, but then I really think about it and I think I need to get at least another ten pounds off before I start settling.  

Funny thing is I actually decided this week to make exercise a priority again, even though I'm wrapping up a second big project in my life, and then I took the class from hell on Monday and...yesterday was the first day I could walk up the stairs normally.  LOL  Um, yes, it's been that bad.  I went running Tuesday, and was proud of getting through a 3.75 mile run even though I felt my muscles jolt with every step, but I couldn't walk up stairs or sit without pain until yesterday.  

I ended up not taking the other class Wednesday because I wanted to recover.  Then yesterday when I went out to walk it was raining.  I was so vexed I came in and got on with my day.  I am going to take that class again on Monday, but maybe ask the teacher how I can challenge myself without debilitating myself.  If that's possible.  LOL  All I know is I won't mind pushing through that pain if it will make me stronger, but I will not take that class the week of my 10K (May 18th), because I do not want to run 6.2 miles on painful legs.  

Anyway, having not posted since Monday my mind is full of things to say, but this post is getting long enough already.  Suffice it to say I am hanging in there.  I've decided this week I am setting the goal to track my food.  I have not been doing that for the past few weeks and I think tracking food (for me) is right up there with blogging.  It helps me stay accountable to my actions, whether good or bad.  

So, here's to keeping on.  Thanks again for checking in on me.   Have a great weekend!