Yesterday I posted about how the joy in my life has not come solely from my weight. While I was overweight the majority of my adult life I had a very full and happy life.
In my post I mentioned having some issues that few people knew of with regards to my weight. In all truth, the only time people really started learning how I really felt was when I started this final weight loss journey. One friend has been my listening ear from day one and this blog has allowed me to share deeper feelings that others may not want the burden of knowing.
Of course in public there were the "Oh, I wish I could lose weight." and "I need to lose weight." comments, but I never really told anyone how I felt deep inside. Until one conversation almost a year before I finally made the decision to try and lose weight where I finally told the above mentioned friend I had to get rid of my boxes of smaller clothes because every time I looked in my closet I just saw failure. I felt like a lady laying on a shrink's couch as I poured out my heart to her. She agreed that I probably needed to let those clothes go.
To me, getting rid of those clothes was removing the reminder that I hadn't been able to lose weight enough to get back into them, but it also felt like I would also be getting rid of the hope that I might ever lose weight. It was freeing and discouraging all at the same time. However, I decided then and there to love myself as I was, and my friend lovingly agreed that was a good idea.
Five years later my husband just mentioned to me that when he saw those old pictures of me he was shocked because he never saw me as that large. He asked me not to be offended, but he used to wonder how men could love a larger woman, never once realizing he was married to one whom he loved very much. He said he has seen a such a rise in my confidence and he knows I must feel a great sense of accomplishment in both the weight loss and increase in physical fitness.
My reply to him was that yes I do feel more confident and I am proud of what I'm able to do now. I try and maintain a humbleness with regards to my weight loss, because I know what it's like to be on the other side. But I also
am still learning tohave to own the fact that I did the work to get where I am and I'm proud of it all.
I told my husband it's like the weight loss is just the proverbial icing on the [already good] cake of my life. I was happy all those years, but it's like I'm happier now. Yes, I still want to make sure that the scale doesn't control my happiness, but I have to tell you that I don't want to go back to where I was. I'll take this new happier Leah any day and pray that every day I maintain the weight loss I can be an example of hope to someone who is in the place I was all those years ago.