Sleepy or Sad - Food Does Not Help

As I'm reading through this book "Made to Crave" I've come upon some chapters where the author speaks of being careful not to let our desires for help be satisfied with food.  We need to turn to God with our issues.  

This is true.

However, I don't think I've ever been more than just a boredom/happy eater.  I can't recall one instance where I was upset and went to the fridge or pantry for some food and then just ate away my sadness.  That being said I sometimes have an issue with being told I'm turning to food instead of God to help me with my problems.  

I think it's like anything, you have to eat the meat and spit out the bones.  

And if you cough on a bone...well, then maybe you need to rethink things. 

Like last night, for example. 

My day was going pretty good.  I had felt good exercising, been eating okay, got a pedicure and manicure done.  Then I was SO TIRED.  Darn that afternoon slump.  I figured I'd take a little nap after I got the kids home from school and be fine for the evening.

I slept on the couch, while they did homework (lucky me with teens who don't ruin my house if I nap)  and got up after about 35 minutes.  I did not feel rested at all, but I had to start dinner so my daughter could eat before cross country practice.  

My legs had also become sore from the workout earlier in the day.  

And it was getting warmer and warmer in my house.  (I've turned on the A/C today...it's currently 82 "feels like 89" outside)

And as I began preparing dinner I found myself snacking. 

Then I ate two homemade tortillas with my dinner.  Dinner was light, the tortillas not so much, but I hadn't made them in almost three years and didn't really think about what I was doing.  I was still dragging.

As I was cleaning up the kitchen, feeling like I could go back to bed, I kept snacking on sweets.  Just little bits here and there that add up.  I know this, because I tracked all of it.  

Then I got a text from my dad that he was on his way to bury my mom's ashes.  Yesterday would've been their 40th wedding anniversary and he found a place they both loved to bury her remains and a closure of sorts to their life together.  

Now my evening went from dragging to emotional.  

And then it hit me.  Food does not make any of these things feel better.  In fact, when I was finally stuffed I realized I'd been munching all evening and when my family sat down to have the evening treat that has become a ritual around here...I was too full to enjoy any.  

I didn't think much more beyond that until this morning when it hit me that I'd spent the afternoon/evening feeling sluggish and then sad and instead of cleaning up the kitchen as quickly as possible and getting out of there I munched and munched.  

I still don't think I'm an emotional eater, normally, but there is definitely something there I need to address to stop this vicious cycle of overeating that seems to have crept it's way back into my life.  

HHhhhmm.... This has me thinking.  (I confess I think I may overdo it on the starchy carbs...and sugars of course recently.)

So, even though it frustrates me to feel like I'm starting all over (and I know I'm not, because many of my health thoughts are still changed for good ) I am posting this to share where I'm at and to acknowledge that this is something I need to think about.  

Food needs to be limited to mealtimes for me right now and then sweets to once a day.  My family is pretty good about only having the evening treat, so I'm going to make it a daily goal to wait for that treat time.  

I also need to remind myself when I am tired or sad that food will not make those feelings get any better.  They are what they are and I need to deal with them directly - by sleeping or crying if needed, but not by overeating.  

Motivational Monday - First PostOp Workout Class

I took my first class at the gym today since my surgery.  Last Wednesday was my three-month post op appointment and I was cleared for all exercise, so I was really excited to go to class today.  The class offered Monday mornings at my gym is called "Total Athletic Conditioning" and it's probably my favorite one.

Today she did a tabata style class.  I took things easy, but also pushed myself when I felt I could.  Most times I just made sure to have good form.  I wasn't dying tired after the class, but as the day has worn on I have begun feeling soreness in my quads.

It's a good feeling to be back in class.  I look forward to getting stronger again.  :)

April Goals Check-In Week 3

TGIF!  It's been a busy week around these parts, but we've also had a beautiful week of weather.  I can't complain. 

Here's my April Goals check-in: 

• Track food at least five days a week.  That would be better that I've done in a LONG time.  I think I got 4 days done.  Almost five.  
• Run three days a week, training for 10K.  Fail. It has been one of those weeks, where I was very productive, but have only exercised 1 day so far.  PMS & TOM are to thank for that.  Tomorrow I will be going for a run.
• Complete 1-3 days of the cross training listed on the training plan.  Honestly, if I get four days of exercise in per week that will be the most I've done so far.  I'd like to actually exercise all six days a week the plan calls for, but baby steps...  I'd call this success since my only exercise was 1 day of cross training, but I feel kind of bad for that.  If I happen to make time to exercise today then I'll have gotten two days of cross training in.  Not counting on it though.
• Work on eating a little less (and thus see weight loss), but at least stay within maintenance calories.  I'm not committing to a certain number of veggies and fruits, or no carbs, etc, because for now just tracking my food and trying to consistently stay in a healthier calorie range is a huge plus.  Again...fail.  Thank you, PMS and general malaise due to my monthly.  It's not an excuse..just the facts.   The good is that I counted my heaviest days and it was an eye opener to just what exactly I've been doing that caused my weight to go up.  Kind of opened my eyes so to speak. 

It's So, I've had a not-so-stellar week, BUT .... I have made strides with getting back on track.  It's all going to be okay.  

Made to Crave Take Two - First Journal Entry

I don't often journal.  I go through phases really.  It's one of those things I think is so dreamy and wonderful, but I rarely have, or make, time to do it.  However, when I am really trying to focus on an issue, and am reading a book on the subject, I often journal about it.  I make it a personal study of sorts to get out my thoughts.  It's often interesting to look back and see where my head was at certain points in my life.  

As I posted yesterday, I'm really feeling the mojo coming back to get my act together and lose the weight I've gained.  I decided to journal a bit here and there as I get back on track.  Below is my journal entry from yesterday.  ( I even changed the color, because I was writing with a pink ink pen.  *grin*)  Enjoy...

Weight:  172 lbs.

April 21, 2014

Five years ago, almost to the day I read "body Clutter" and journaled my thoughts in this notebook.  I was desperate and knew I had to do something to start losing weight and get control of my health.

In four years I lost 70 lbs., became fit and even ran a half marathon last September.  I've read books, started and maintain a blog, had many talks with Stephanie ____, cried and prayed my way through change.  It has not been easy, but I have been successful.  A lot of my thoughts towards food have changed.  I even maintained that loss for a year and my husband invested for me to have skin removal surgery on my abdomen.

And then my world changed...two days after surgery my mom died.  Now, I don't really know if I can blame her death for where I'm at now, but it was the first thing that really threw me off my recovery plan.  I had my surgery in January because that's a slier time of year for me and I knew I'd have plenty of time to recover before life got busy.  Wrong.

Almost two months later [my son] broke his femur and had injury to his growth plate at the knee.

2014 has not turned out at all like expected so far and in the months since surgery I've put on about 5-7 lbs.  Add this to the 5-6 I gained last fall after [my husband] returned from deployment and I'm at a weight I haven't seen in over a year.

My clothes are also all beginning to fit tight.

For the first time since losing weight I'm seeing what no exercise and unhealthy eating does to me .... I'm reminded of how I used to feel and even thought I'm not 230 I'm not happy.

I'm frustrated, but even more than that I'm motivated.

I've done this before.  I know I can get these 12 lbs. off AND I know I Can reach 150 and be a comfortable size medium.

But I also know it's going to take some work.  I've decided to read the book "Made to Crave" again and journal a little along the way.

This is a lifelong journey and I know weight will always be an issue I have to deal with.  Craftiness comes easy to me ... eating better not so much.

To begin my quest to get back on track here are what I think went "wrong" and what I'm going to change. 

"WRONGS"

-->  A fall when running in December 2013 forced me to take workout break.  And surgery Jan. 20th made me lazy to get as strong as I could because I knew I'd be forced to take another break. 

+  -->  Not working out (besides occasional walking/jogging) for 3 months postop ..I lost A LOT of muscle tone.

+  -->  I did not adjust my eating to compensate for not exercising and even began extra "hidden" snacking again.

+  -->  I quit tracking food

-----------------------------------------

=  Weight gain and loss of desire to care, except ... I refuse to quit and go back to being overweight and unhealthy.

"RIGHTS"

-->  I will track my food in My Fitness Pal 5 days a week.

-->  I will exercise at least 4 days a week. 

-->  I will read "Made to Crave" and focus again on why my health is worth fighting for.

-->  I will start classes at gym as soon as I have "ol" from dr.

-->  I will stop "not caring".  I've come too far to go back ... and surgery is going to be worth it.  We didn't spend the $ so I'd gain back the weight.

-->  I will not give up

Phil. 3:14  I will press on!!  :)

One more thing...

April 2014

My (updated) health goals:

• Reach 150 lbs.
• Be a comfortable size medium.
• Exercise 5 days a week. (30-60 mins)
• Drink at least 32 oz. water daily.
• Work on desiring healthy food choices/portions and gaining back control as I lose a few pounds.

Sunday, April 20 I was 172 lbs.  I'll check back on the last day of the month.

"Everything is permissible -- but not everything is beneficial."  1 Cor. 10:23

Motivational Monday - Getting My Focus Back

As I posted on Instagram this morning: 

Sometimes a girl needs to revisit what works.  :)  This book was very helpful to me in my weight loss journey two-and-a-half years ago.

That journal contains my first thoughts when I was 230 lbs and knew something had to change.  I love the quote on the front and thought it perfect to journal again as I get back on track.  #lifelongjourey #iwillnotgiveup

I'm thinking of sharing my first journal entry as I get back on track.  I feel like something really clicked this last week.  I have a few thoughts on why that may be and I plan to expound more.  

For today, just be encouraged...this is a life long journey and if we refuse to quit there is no where to go but forward.  

Can I just add...I'm so glad I'm feeling like this/having the motivation to get back on track when only being up 10 pounds instead of after gaining 20, 30 or 40 pounds.  

*contented sigh*

Easter's Relation to my Healthiness Journey

This healthiness journey requires lots of hard work, but my experience has been that my faith in Jesus has helped me break down walls I never thought I could gain victory over with regards to food.  

"He is Risen!" are words that every year remind me of the hope and power we can all experience when we accept the free gift of salvation made available by Jesus' death and resurrection those many years ago.  

I pray each of you takes time to ponder what Jesus has done for you.  His forgiveness, help and healing are available to all who would call upon his name.  

Happy Easter!

Pausing...

See you next week!

My Week - Running with Daughter

A couple weeks ago I thought it would be fun change things up a little here and do a "photo Friday" of sorts on my blog to share a few snippets of my life in it's new ending.  :)  So, here goes.  

 My son is getting some rest after having pins removed from his knee.  Since I'm healing from my abdominoplasty I can relate to the vex of not being able to do anything you used to for a while.  I can also encourage him that it's not forever.

Take last Saturday for example when I ran 4 miles -- the longest run for me so far since surgery.  I even began to speed up a little towards the end and was so excited.  Right now to run a 12:00 mile consistently is "good" for me.  I started with a 12:30-13:00 first mile, so to finish with an average just under 12:00 mile was awesome.  

I was feeling very slow, but when I felt myself speeding up a little I told my husband I was overjoyed and felt like my legs were remembering what it was to run long distances.  Hooray!

Then yesterday afternoon my daughter and I did our two-mile run together.  This was slow for her and speedy for me.  Perfect.  We didn't talk much, but we did make note that it was amazing to see how far I've come that we can run together.

Especially when it was four years ago this past week that I ran my first 5K and it took me almost 45 minutes.  THIS picture reminded me of just how far I've come and encouraged me that things are not so bad now.  

And that's a little photo proof of what I was up to this week.  :) Have a good weekend!

April Goals Check-In #1

Here are my goals for this month...and how I did this week. 

• Track food at least five days a week.  That would be better that I've done in a LONG time.  Done!
• Run three days a week, training for 10K.  Done!  My 3rd day will be tomorrow and it will get done.  
• Complete 1-3 days of the cross training listed on the training plan.  Honestly, if I get four days of exercise in per week that will be the most I've done so far.  I'd like to actually exercise all six days a week the plan calls for, but baby steps...  Done!  Confess..we had a busy week and I only got the one day of cross training in, but I was pleased with that plus the running.  *high five*
• Work on eating a little less (and thus see weight loss), but at least stay within maintenance calories.  I'm not committing to a certain number of veggies and fruits, or no carbs, etc, because for now just tracking my food and trying to consistently stay in a healthier calorie range is a huge plus.  Pretty good.  This still needs work, but I did better and saw a little less weight on the scale one day.  I didn't weigh today, but I do weigh periodically to check.  

Overall, I'm pleased with how the week went.  I think having some goals to keep in mind helped me stay a little more focused.  We have had a crazy busy week and then there was the smell of something dead in my laundry room to deal with and so as I type I have a Venti Non-Fat, No Whip Iced White Mocha with and extra shot of espresso to be drunk here soon.  It's almost 4:00pm and I still have a downstairs to clean and laundry to finish.  

My dad is coming in town tomorrow for Spring Break and I want everything caught up tonight.  Then I can sleep in a little, go for my run and shower and head out in the afternoon to pick him up from the airport a couple hours away.  It will be a nice day and I will sleep good tonight knowing I got everything done.

And this drink will help me have the energy to complete...here's praying I don't hit a "wall" and collapse.  

Oh, and thank the Lord the "dead" thing seems to have went away when I moved the dryer today, found nothing, smelled it really bad in the inside of the dryer, called husband, he came to check at lunchtime and it didn't smell any more.  I'm hoping maybe there was something dead in the vent tube and when I moved the dryer it fell down under the house.  Joy.  Either that or the timing was perfect that whatever died finally quit stinking...good thing my husband smelled it just this morning, so he knew I wasn't joking.  ugh.

Anyway, I'm doing well and I will try and hop on here another time or two before next Friday.  We officially began Spring Break here and it looks to be a very nice spring week.  Have a nice weekend everyone and thanks for checking in! :)

My Thoughts on "I never made time for me."

I just posted about my April Goals, but I want to get this off my chest while I'm thinking about it.  

I was listening to a podcast yesterday wherein the interviewer made a comment about the interviewee being a nurse, and just like moms, she probably spent so much time taking care of others that she didn't take time to take care of herself.  

I've heard this topic mentioned a lot, especially when the person who lost weight is in any position where they were taking care of others -- be it as a parent, demanding career, etc.  And I always think back to my life and I just wasn't that person. 

You see, I've never really had a problem making time for myself.  When my kids were babies and toddler running around all over yes I was busy, but I always found little spots of time to make crafts or read a book. 

The problem I have had in my weight loss journey is that I have had to make the decision that exercise is important.  For me, I've had to sacrifice a little of my "me time" I would normally spend in crafting, reading or doing other leisurely activities to make sure I get exercise in.  

Maybe it's just me, but I sometimes get tired of hearing ladies say being a mom they just gave and gave to everyone else so they never made time for themselves.  Maybe I've just always been that little bit selfish?   I almost see it as an excuse.  

How many of the people who give to everyone else so much they don't take care of themselves ever sit down and watch a favorite show regularly, or take time to go out with their friends once in a while, or read books?  

Maybe I'm playing devil's advocate here, but I know for me that while I feel great when I exercise making it a habit in my life has required some sacrifice of the "me time" I already had.  

I know we all have to walk our own journeys, but this concept of give so much away you don't care of me is the reason you gained weight just bothers me.  I simply overate and didn't want to do anything about it.

Now, before you get too upset with me, I will tell you I have always had a super supportive and involved husband.  I've never had to ask him to play with our children, when my kids were toddlers he encouraged me to use a gym whenever I wanted to and on occasion stayed home with the children in the evenings so I could go exercise.  However, most of my exercise has been done around my schedule and my weight loss journey exercise started with DVDs in the home, because he was in college and I knew he couldn't keep the kids.

But I digress...I really am blessed with a husband who will help me get my exercise in...take this morning for example.  He asked what I was going to make him for breakfast...just as I was about to get dressed to go run I replied, "Um, sorry you have to get your own...I'm going to run now."

We'd been up for about 2 hours already and I just had my protein bar and coffee, my usual pre-run breakfast, and then lazed around. He wasn't too thrilled at first, but then he realized that the kids had all grabbed cereal ... and our usual Saturday morning family breakfast wasn't happening.  He also knows the running is important to me, as well as good for me.  So, as I left the house I saw he'd prepared himself some breakfast without any negative attitude.

So, I know I am a blessed lady, and maybe many others aren't.  I just think some people need to quit using their jobs and families as excuses for why they aren't thin.  Even if you can only get two 30-minute "me time" sessions a week to go for a walk, you can do something.

Maybe more importantly people need to realize they are going to have to change what they do with the "me time" they probably already do have.  I know I had to, and while I miss doing some crafty things at times I feel so much better being healthy it's worth every minute.

April Goals

In my quest to get back on track and lose the few extra pounds I've gained (and hopefully a few more) I've decided to start doing monthly health goals.  Since I no longer post weekly weigh-ins, I am going to post check-ins every Friday to see how I'm doing with my goals.  

April Goals:

• Track food at least five days a week.  That would be better that I've done in a LONG time.  
• Run three days a week, training for 10K.
• Complete 1-3 days of the cross training listed on the training plan.  Honestly, if I get four days of exercise in per week that will be the most I've done so far.  I'd like to actually exercise all six days a week the plan calls for, but baby steps...
• Work on eating a little less (and thus see weight loss), but at least stay within maintenance calories.  I'm not committing to a certain number of veggies and fruits, or no carbs, etc, because for now just tracking my food and trying to consistently stay in a healthier calorie range is a huge plus. 

I'll be back next Friday to check in on my goals.  We do have Spring Break this month and my dad will be visiting, but I'm going to do my best to not let his visit derail me from living a healthier life.  

Here's to pressing onwards and upwards.  :)

New Shoes and 10K Training Plan

It's official ... My daughter and I are registered for the 9th Annual Wounded Warrior 10K Race in our city next Month.  :)

This is my daughter's first 10K race, so I looked around for a beginner training plan that I thought would work for her.  I like how basic Hal Higdon's plan was for someone who was new to running in general.  So, we are both following his 10K Novice Training Program.

Other plans I followed had cross training on Mon-Wed-Fri and running on Tue-Thu-Sat, so I tweaked his plan to fit that kind of schedule.  That schedule works very well for my life.  The runs seem very easy, but they are turning out to be perfect for my current state of fitness.

Of course, I had to make it cute to hang on the wall, so I can check off the workouts.  :)

Since I'm still barely getting back into exercise I have been using walking as my cross training, or I've even rested on the cross training days.  I'm taking it slow and easy.  My daughter is faithful to do a Jillian Michaels DVD or go for a walk on cross training days.  She's off to a great start!

We both were having some issues in our legs and I realized it was time for new running shoes.  So, we went out the other evening and got new shoes.  She picked another pair of Reeboks because she really likes how they fit to her more narrow foot.

I went straight for the Asics, my favorite running shoe this far.  I tried on a cheaper priced pair of shoes and they seemed to feel pretty good.  But then I decided to try on the style I usually buy, which is more expensive, to see what the difference was.

The laces were no sooner tied up and I was reminded why I invest money in good running shoes.  They felt amazing.  The support, the cushion...there was no question and I purchased the Asics GT-2000.

So, we're set.  New running shoes, a training plan and we're registered for a race.  This will be my daughter's first 10K and I'm super excited to be able to run it with her...or at least somewhere behind her.  :)

My Current State of [Healthiness} Mind - Fitness

Well, I'm finally taking a minute to write where my mind is with regards to fitness right now.  To sum it up...

Short Story: 

After taking the longest break in exercise that I have since I started losing weight I have felt "fat".  Not only because of the loss of muscle tone, but I seriously think because when I exercise I want to eat better and I feel so much better about myself.  It has been very vexing (even though I knew I would have to wait to get into serious exercise after my surgery), but my hope is slowly being restored that all is not lost and I can regain the fitness I had acquired last summer.  :)

Long Story:

After running the half marathon last September, then a 10k a couple of weeks later I took a slight fall and stopped running for about a month.  

That month was December, which was also Christmas and I was very careful about how much I exercised so as to not further injure my foot.  Being busy with the holidays and my twins' 16th birthday on New Year's Eve I let my exercise routines slide a bit. 

At the beginning of January I found out I could have my abdominoplasty surgery three weeks from the day I called and then I really didn't care about working out so much because I knew I'd be taking an extended break from exercise while I recuperated. 

My husband encouraged me to push myself as much as possible up to my surgery date to help with healing, but I admit to feeling like, "Why get all sore and such just to stop exercising for at least 4-6 weeks?!" 

*sigh* 

Add that all up and it has now been a bout four months since I've had good strong exercise more than maybe 2 days, minimum, a week.  This has lead to a loss of muscle tone like I have not experienced since I began losing weight almost five years ago.  

Since I carry a lot of my weight in my hips, butt and thighs I'm noticing the "spread" in areas I was very toned last summer and it has vexed me so much.  

I knew this surgery was going to cause me to have to take a break from exercise, but looking back I do regret I didn't work harder at staying fit prior to it. And for a while I was very upset with myself. 

However (comma) (deep cleansing breath)....

When I have expressed my concerns to my husband he says he's not worried, because he knows after my appointment at the end of April I will be able to get back to my regular interval weight classes and more running and things will tone up again.

Oh, such faith he has in me.  :)  Glory!

I've also made the conscious decision to get back into running by beginning a training plan for a 10K race in May.  One of my daughters is going to do it with me, so I was looking for a novice plan for her to use to train.  I found one and decided I'd use it for myself since it's been so long since I've run.  

We're about two weeks in and while the runs are pretty short so far, I am noticing that I'm so much slower than I was last fall.  Again, this threatens to steal my joy, but I keep reminding myself that I'm getting back into fitness.  

At the end of April I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon and he said he's pretty sure I'll be able to begin core exercises again after that.  I sure hope so, because then I can begin really building up my strength again.  

In the meantime, I am making it my plan to just be proud of myself for getting back into exercise at all.  I am also trying to remind myself of some lessons I've learned over the past few months...

• When one stops regular intense exercise, one will lose muscle tone to some extent.  
• It is up to me to decide if cutting back on certain exercise is worth the results...just like I had to decide if doing the exercise is worth it...It goes both ways. 
• I still make mistakes and can't change what happened in the past, but I can move forward to make things better.
• When I exercise I feel better both physically AND emotionally, so making the time to fit it in is ALWAYS GOING TO BE WORTH IT. 

There are going to be forced breaks in the schedule and it's okay.  I just have to get back up and keep going and that's exactly what I'm going to do.