Finally Sunday morning we had prayer meeting before regular service and I took the time in prayer to really lay my heart out to God on this weight issue. I had been in tears the entire way to church. I was so frustrated with myself.
It wasn't the weight being high that was frustrating. It was the fact that I had fallen back into old habits on Saturday afterwards, and the lack of loss over the week really opened my eyes that I wasn't being as careful as I need to be to lose weight. Whether I wanted to admit it or not there was room for improvement in my week of gain; like learning to adjust calories to the activity level and stick to my plan whether I feel like it or not.
In a nutshell, I was feeling like I'd rather just go back to being the old Leah who decides not to fight, but to stay fat and enjoy not having the pressures of discipline.
But at the same time, as I was praying I felt something deep in me that really doesn't want to quit. By the time I was done praying I know a load of depression and negative thoughts had lifted from my spirit. I went to join my husband minutes before the service and told him, "It's not over yet. I'm going to fight this and I'm going to win."
So, that's it folks. I'm tired of being fat and not having control of my eating habits. More than that I'm tired of being lazy and lacking discipline in other areas of my life also, because really the habits that have lead me to gain weight and stay heavy for years are some of the same issues that cause things to go undone around my house, etc. etc.
There are deeper issues than a smaller dress size at stake here and I refuse to give in and quit. I am ready for change and I know I can do this. With a faith in God that he won't give me any more than I can handle, and the tenacity inside myself to hang on when it's tough, I will reach my goals...both in weight and life.
p.s. I have to tack on that I went jogging this morning at the park and I had a PR in my one mile. I jogged with a buddy, who has a Garmin, and we jogged the first mile in 11:55. This is a minute faster than the last time I tried. I had to walk/jog the rest of the time. It sure felt great to run again...of course, more when it was done than during. LOL It was beautifully cool out, so that was nice too!