I have tried twice now to blog a bit of what I've been going through personally to give you an idea of some great "epiphanies" I'm having, but it just isn't coming out well at all.
So, let's try this...
As I mentioned Friday I've been going through an issue I haven't shared on my blog. It's nothing as major as my mother dying, yet it has been life changing for me.
There has been an issue of forgiveness involved. And in praying and reading and thinking about why I'm having a hard time forgiving I finally came to the realization about two weeks ago that a lot of why I'm having a hard time forgiving this person is because I'm a control freak and to forgive will mean to let it go and not feel the need to control everything.
Dealing with this forgiveness issue has also really lead me to beat myself up as well, because I feel awful that at thirty eight years old I'm barely learning this lesson. Had I learned it years ago it would've saved me much heartache and knowing that bugs the heck out of me. *sigh*
Yes, I'm the oldest child, perfectionist, rule follower who has a hard time when I feel I'm not living up to others expectations -- or my own expectations.
Oh, did I mention I've also admitted to being a control freak? And admitting the need to change that has been the hardest thing I've attempted besides losing weight.
I'm serious. It's one thing to joke about it and it's another to admit it's causing friction in your life and needs to change.
Dealing with all of this sort of piled up on two different occasions this past weekend and that lead to meltdowns. My husband was gracious and kind to hear me out each time I blubbered through my frustrations, but he also spoke some words of wisdom and encouragement to me.
I don't like admitting I need to change. I see it as failure. But even less, I don't like the feelings that come from being an unforgiving, controlling person. And I really don't like how overindulging in food through all of this has lead to tight clothes and more feelings of failure.
So, the first steps I've made towards complete forgiveness, letting go of control over things that really aren't mine to worry about and fitting better into my clothes is to forgive myself for my mistakes and make the conscious decision that I'm not going to keep looking back with regret over how I've let these areas of my life go wrong.
I will not ignore the bad tendencies I had, but I will learn from them.
I will not feel condemned for being unforgiving for a time, but will embrace that I have forgiven that person and will move forward.
I will no longer look at pictures of myself from just a year ago and hate how I've grown since then, but I will look at them as proof that it can be done and I can get there again. (I wasn't a tiny, unattainable size, so it is completely doable.)
It may take a little tightening of the belt calorically to lose the weight again, and it may not be easy, but this morning instead of praying, "Oh God, help me!! I can't do this!!" I found myself praying these words:
"Thank you, Lord, that I have a healthy body that can run. Thank you that I have the ability to make good food choices and the funds to keep those choices in my home. Thank you that there is a way for me get back control of my health if I will but do the work."
I surprised myself when those words came out, and then I realized that when I allowed myself to forgive this other person, admit I need to not be such a control freak and then just learn from my mistakes instead of beating myself up over them I became a much happier, freer person.
So, as always... I have made the choice to continue the fight for a healthier, happier Leah and I will not give up...even when life takes me on some major twists and turns. *deep contented sigh*
Thanks for stopping by!