So Quick!

I had a "snack" this evening after church and just sat down to calculate the calories I consumed. I didn't get stuffed, but I'm full enough. I'm too embarrassed to say how much it was...boy it sure adds up quickly. Oh my.

The worst part of this late night snacking is I was debating for about 20 minutes, while I prepared for bed, whether or not I should have a Greek yogurt. That would've only been 170 calories. I ended up eating over twice that.

*sigh*

Folks, this is my worst area of weakness..snacking. I know I'm not alone in this..I was just amazed at how many calories I could consume quickly and not feel stuffed.

Victory

I am currently reading through Made to Crave Devotional by Lysa TerKeurst. It's a 60-day devotional that goes along with her line of thought in the book Made to Crave.

Today's thought for the day really spoke to me in light of my recent weight loss struggles:

"Thought for the Day: Victory isn't a place we arrive at and then relax. Victory is when we pick something healthy over something not beneficial for us -- again and again." - Lysa TerKeurst, Made to Crave Devotional

I have nothing to add to that except to share a victorious moment in my day today.

My workout for today was set to include my "long" run, which for me means trying to run the majority of my 30 minutes on the treadmill (at a slower pace) with fewer walk breaks. On a whim I decided to go ahead and see how long I could run before I felt the need for a break. I covered up the time with a towel and when I first checked it I was already 12 minutes into the running. I knew I could easily keep going, so I covered it back up with the towel and kept running.

In the end I made it the entire 25 minutes fairly easily at a 12:00 pace on a 0.5% incline. (I do a 5-minute warm-up walk before running.) On top of the fact that I made it the entire time running was the fact that I did it at the same pace I was running at when I stopped last summer.

V I C T O R Y ! ! !

Apparently I am not going to have to wait for months before I can run for a solid 30 minutes again. It would appear of all those little choices I made over the last 9 months, amidst a major relocation, to stay active in some way have paid off with regards to my running efforts.

It was a victorious workout to be sure. And with every better choice, whether in activity or food, I know I'll continue to have victory in my weight loss efforts as well.

It is a good day today. [contented sigh]

Weigh-In ... Thankful

Today's Weight: 177.5

Loss/Gain: +/- 0

Considering the week I had I'm okay with this maintain. It's always better than a gain.

Thank you all very much for your kinds words, encouragements and shared wisdom on my Meltdown post. I was surprised at the number of responses and touched by every one of them.

It seems as if that meltdown let to a new day, because I've felt very much more with the program since I wrote it. Even that afternoon I was already feeling better.

This week reminds me of my #1 motivational song that I keep in that little playlist below - The Climb by Miley Cyrus. I'm not a fan of her or her movies, but this song sums up my weight loss journey very well.

I've faced a mountain and had to get over it. I did it, and sharing about it here in blogland reminded me that I have a virtual group of supporters who have been there, are there and ultimately are cheering me on.

Thank you again and I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Meltdown

Prologue: I debated writing this post because it's a bit depressing, but I wanted a written history of what happened to remind me that this journey is full of ups and downs.

Just before bed last night I had a meltdown. A complete, sobbing meltdown with regards to my weight loss, or lack thereof lately. I've been struggling on and off over the past week or two with caring whether or not I ate healthy or moderate portions.

I was so frustrated and decided I just didn't care any more. I was tired of it all, etc. etc. I was thinking of never blogging again and just walking away from the pursuit of my healthy weight. Heck, I'm discussing health subjects with a friend who actually practices what she preaches while I'm overeating because I can't, or won't, discipline myself enough to eat right. I figured I would keep running and exercising and living like I am and be comfortable at 180.

But the sobbing continued, and I knew deep, deep inside I couldn't quit. I always quit and I can't this time. I've committed to fighting through this and as hard as it was I knew I couldn't give up.

The only thing that stopped me from crying was I told myself I needed to brush my teeth before bed. As I was brushing I stopped crying, and then, upon finishing, I crawled into bed.

There were no more tears, but I just knew I couldn't quit and had no idea how I was going to finish. Just when I thought all the "I can't change" thoughts were over I found myself battling them again and I felt a tad hopeless.

About ten minutes later my husband asked if I was okay when he got into bed and I whispered, "no." He spoke a few encouraging words to me and encouraged me that change doesn't happen over night (and apparently not in 2 1/2 years either for some of us).

I woke up feeling a little better and decided I would just take it a meal and a day at a time; but I still had some funkiness going on. I also had a moment of realization/reminder.

No, I can't do this. I can not be disciplined and be the Perfect Dieter who sticks to her plan and sees great losses every week. The woman who just gets it done and doesn't bat an eye about the need to sacrifice to reach the goal.

Not on my own.

As I literallycried out to God about the subject this morning I kept thinking of the beginning of Philippians 4:19 "but my God shall supply all your needs...".

I do not want to be a women obsessed with her weight and healthy eating; but I know that eating in moderation and taking care of my body is a good thing. By myself I can not break down this wall of "I can't.", but with God's help I can.

He promises to meet my needs. He already proved that to me last night when my husband asked if I was okay and let me cry for a minute about this issue. God knew I needed that. He knew I was struggling and needed someone to help me remember that I have lost 50 pounds and kept it off, and that I did chose to not eat my entire restaurant breakfast that same morning, or that I ordered turkey sausage instead of regular without giving it a second thought.

I know I have to make the decisions that will lead to weight loss, praying will not make the pounds fall off, but I am reminded that I am not in this alone.

Maybe that's why I had that meltdown. I needed to remember that I do still struggle with "toxic thoughts" (another subject for another day), but...I can press on.

Though last night I didn't think I'd say this again...giving up is not an option for me. One choice at at time I will continue to fight and work towards winning this battle. If I need a break from reading all the weight loss blogs and comparing my journey to others, then I'll take it. However, I will continue exercising and journaling my food and making better choices. And I will continue to update my weigh-ins every Friday.

I will also continue to " trust in the Lord with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding.. in all [my] ways [I will] acknowledge Him and he will set my paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6, adapted for personal use.

Thank you for listening.

A Laztive Day

Not laxative.... Laztive.... lazy + active

That's the kind of Presidents' Day we're having so far. :)

Everyone is home from work and school. We got to sleep in today and be lazy this morning. Then the activities started.

After cleaning up my kitchen I went for a run/walk and my husband and son went out in the backyard to do exercises. When I got back from my run my husband and son were out for a one-mile run.

The girls have music lessons today and are exercising their fingers on the base and guitar. :)

It's a nice day to be home as a family.

Weigh-In ... Soul Bearing

Today's Weight: 177.5

Loss/Gain: -1.5

Believe it or not I'm kind of at a loss for words here. (note: I was when I started writing...you'll see I found some words eventually...LOL) This has been an interesting week with regards to my weight loss, with a few mixed emotions swirling in my head.

I'm proud of myself for staying true to my commitment to getting up at 5:30 every morning and sticking with my new workout plan. I'm really enjoying the running again, and getting up early is allowing me time to workout and still get things done. It's going great!

But... I've also been fighting that rebellious little girl inside that I mentioned last week. :)

The only way I can really explain it is like this. When I started out on my journey, almost three years ago, I was really scared to try losing weight again. I was scared of failure, scared of what people would think about me being "on a diet" again and I spent lots of time working through all of those emotions.

Now I'm at a point where most of that is done. For the most part, I'm no longer overwhelmed with fear of failure. Now I am on the verge of seeing those last bricks in the wall between me and a healthier life come down and I'm fighting doing what's right with everything I've got.

It's like the emotional clutter is out of the way and I'm being faced with just obeying what needs to be done to get the weight off. Yes, I still have emotional moments where I can't imagine being thin, or fearing failure; but in reality it's more the struggle to do what's right.

Plus, I've been hard on myself this week because I wanted to be at a certain number today for a Valentine's date my husband and I are going on and I'm not there. I could've been if I would've stuck to the plan, but I didn't. So, I'm still hovering just under 180 and that's frustrating.

Actually, as I type this I'm realizing that's where most of my weight loss funk has come from this week. That and a confrontation earlier this week and a bit of a cold, but really with regards to my weight it's the lack of "getting with it".

Because I also told myself I wasn't going to buy new workout pants until I hit 170, as sort of a motivational prize, but I bought some on Wednesday. My other pants are so loose I have to pull the drawstring tight and tie it tight so they won't slide around when I run and that was so uncomfortable. Well, while I am loving my new fitted capri workout pants I also felt so guilty for buying them when I hadn't reached my goal.

Yes, I think that's where the problem is this week...I didn't reach a goal I wanted to reach and I'm feeling guilty.

Instead, I know I need to rejoice in this loss, rejoice in the fact that I am running again and remind myself that this is MY journey and I can't set my expectations so high that I never feel successful at the little things.

I know I'm fighting to break down the last bits of what holds me back from completing this journey and I won't quit fighting.

In the meantime, I'm going to do some things around the house and enjoy my date tonight. This journey isn't over and I will prevail. By God's grace I will conquer! I have to...there's no other option for me now.

Have a good weekend and, as always, thanks for 'listening' !

A Love-ly Day

A few love-ly thoughts today:

• Learning to love myself if I never lost another pound was the first step towards taking care of my health, though I wouldn't actually start eating better and exercising for another year.
• I love the feeling of accomplishment I get after a hard workout!
• I love iPods ... and the ability to listen to my own music when I exercise.
• The love and acceptance of family and friends through all my weight-loss ups and downs is something I'll always treasure.
• I love coffee, and reading books on rainy days snuggled on the couch with a blanket.
• But..more than coffee I love my husband...

• ..and this song.

Have a great day everyone!

Note: V'owl..entines card designed by me using Owl Always Love You digital scrapbook kit by Just So Scrappy.

My Heart-y Workout

It's here! The Healthy Heart Weekend!

Three days to do show the love for the wonderful creation that is your body by doing something healthy for it.

First - My Picture Proof:

... 2.29 mi 30 min

+ 2. 81 mi 36:22 min

---------------------------------

5.1 miles 66:22 min

Short Story:

This year I chose to walk 5 miles. Yesterday (Friday) I ended up doing walk/jog intervals for the 5 miles and it felt great!

Long(er) Story:

I originally wanted to do something with running, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to do any running with my recent surgery. After the good report on Monday I knew I could at least try some walk/jog intervals.

And I did. ... In between the warm up and cool down I did one minute walk/jog intervals, walking at 15:00 minute mile pace and 11:00 minute jogging pace for a total of about 55 minutes

The gym requests that we only use the cardio equipment for 30 minutes at a time, so I split my workout between two treadmills. The treadmills were pretty open, so I had no problem doing this and probably could've stayed on the same one for the entire hour. I just didn't want to get into trouble. Once this past week they've announced over the intercom about the 30 minute rule.

Anyway... I had a great time!!! I was so excited to be able to do those intervals for so long. What a wonderful blessing it is to have a body that is capable of regular exercise.

I'd love to know if you joined us and what you did. Also, don't forget to email Lori with picture proof of your Heart-y workout. She posted yesterday:

"You can still sign up through the weekend if you are just seeing this for the first time. Send me your photos to javaqueen01 (@) yahoo.com and what you did any time this weekend and I will do a round up post on Tuesday and pick the winners of the drawing."

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Weigh-In ... Silver Lining

Today's Weight: 179.0

Loss/Gain: +1.0

*wah*wah*sob.....*sniff*sniff*

"Stinking weight!" "My legs are SO SORE!" "It figures." "Why bother?!"

*sigh*

That's how my morning started, right along with TOM.

*light bulb*

If TOM is visiting today, then that explains the overeating from last weekend, and the carb and diet soda cravings all week. Yes, I said "carb" because it's not just chocolate, but crackers too.

So, I decided instead of coming on here and complaining about it all I'd be honest and then take a moment to look at the silver lining to my otherwise not-so-great week in weight loss:

• I have stayed with my commitment to get up at 5:30 am on weekdays.
• I have been tracking my food again since Monday. (Though I really didn't want to..)
• I have started running again and am able to maintain a faster pace for a couple minutes. Woot!

and last, but not least a non-scale victory of sorts for me this week was this...

Looking back on old pictures, like this one...

I was reminded that while I may not be at goal I am not the same person I was before. My whole family was looking at pictures the other night and we were all a little amazed. My husband kept saying "wow!" and hugging me.

This picture in particular really touched me, because I remember how I only bought that dress for Easter because it fit, not because it was my favorite.

My weight loss journey isn't about the smaller clothes, but there was more to me than just a girl who wanted to eat lots. Along this journey I've dealt with issues that have allowed me to face the truth and see that change is possible.

There's still a rebellious child inside me fighting against the need for healthier choices to reach my weight loss goal, but I'm working on her. And, yes, there's going to be crappy weeks in life, but as long as I can find the silver lining I know I can keep going.

Thanks for checking in! Come back tomorrow to see what I did for my healthy heart weekend. :)

"Never Say Never!"

This past week I've been doing something I never thought I'd do, and I waited until I'd done it at least a week before telling y'all about it in case I quit.

I've been getting up at 5:30 am to do my devotions before getting my kids up for school. I've started this so I can go to the gym directly after taking them to school and get on with my day.

I know two ladies who get up between 5:00 - 5:30 am to make time to get their exercise and morning time in before they have to take care of their households and I've always thought:

• "I'll never be able to get up that early!"
• "There's no way!"
• "If I have to get up that early I'll never get exercise done."

Well, let me tell you...it's interesting how life turns out sometimes. After much thinking, planning and even praying I've realized that it would be very good for me distracted housewife extraordinaire to get up early to pray and then head towards the gym after dropping off my kids at school.

Yes, this is early, and yes, there have been a few mornings I didn't want to get up, but two things have helped me:

• My husband is leaving for work at that time and now leaves the light on to help me start waking up.
• I know that my day will go much better getting up and taking care of business earlier in the day.

It has been working out very well so far, and I'm really enjoying the extra time to allow for a gym workout and still feel like I have the time needed in my day to do my "mommy chores" while the kids are at school.

I have committed to doing this for every weekday in February, but if it continues to work well I plan on keeping it up through the end of the school year for sure.

So, again I say..it's so true, "Never say never!" Change is possible; me getting up at 5:30 is proof of that. :)

Good News and A Plan

Yesterday was my post-op follow-up visit with the doctor and he said everything is looking and sounding fine. He asked how I've been and from what I told him he said I look good to go. I told him that with some more intense exercising the other day I felt a little cramping and heavier discharge and he said it was fine. He told me to take it as I can handle it, but the exercise was probably contracting the uterus and causing those things to happen; however, nothing I do will cause any harm.

So...I can get back to running! Yippee!

Seriously, it's so hard for me to do sometimes, but there is something I love about running (I use the term loosely as I've never been too fast yet.) I don't know if it's the rush afterwards, or the fact that I feel so strong when I run because I never used to desire to runbe able to run in the past. I don't know.

All I know is that while I greatly enjoy the walks in my neighborhood I've been itching to get back into running. So, I've kind of set up an adjusted Couch to 5K Program for myself. I've figured out a tentative exercise program to follow for now. The non-running exercises are in red.

Mondays - Run 5 min walk/jog intervals and up the time of running longer and long each week until I'm running 30 minutes straight through again, even if it's slower. If I go to the gym I'll warm up and cool down for a few minutes before and after at least 25 minutes of intervals. If I do this in the neighborhood, then I might try doing intervals longer. 30 minutes on another cardio machine, elliptical, bike, etc.

Tuesdays - On the treadmill following the times for whatever week of C25K I'm on, but running at an 11:00 minute mile pace minimum; also pushing for faster if I think I'm able. I'm going to shoot to be able to run a 5K this year in around 35 minutes. Upper body exercises on weight machines.

Wednesdays - Rest Day

Thursdays - 30 minutes of cardio on either bike, elliptical or that other one that I have no idea what it's called. Lower body exercises on weight machines.

Fridays - Second day of C25K intervals, according to whichever week I'm on, on the treadmill at the gym. 30 minutes of cardio on another machine.

Saturdays - IF I get around to it....a good walk in the neighborhood, but I'll be happy if I get those other four days of exercise in.

So, that's my good news and now I can go forward with my plan of attack towards getting these last 40 pounds off. I'm looking forward to good things.

Thanks for checking in!

Weigh-In ... I'll Take It

Today's Weight: 178.0

Loss/Gain: -1.0

Sure I'll take that pound lost, and then another next week and another the week after...until I'm at goal! :) Because you know me...I'm not quitting.

There are a few thoughts running through my mind, but after the last two long weigh-in posts I decided I'll keep it short today. Plus, I have a busy day ahead of me including a date with my 11-year-old son. Whee!

I may come back later and expound or I may not. Either way, I hope you have a great weekend!

Runner Gift

Clicking around the internet this afternoon I happened upon this blog Poppies at Play and saw that today she posted about her love/hate of running. She created some great signs (It looks like she sells this sort of stuff.) and I thought they would make great gifts for runners.

I have to say my favorite was this one:

*giggle*

Get it? "the runs" ?? *more giggling* I know...I can be very immature sometimes...makes for great fun with the family. :)

Have a great day!

1st Anniversary

My mom reminded me today of a very important anniversary...

Today is her 1st Anniversary of being cancer free!!!!

As you can imagine, I'm very happy and thankful to God for getting us through that rough time; and so very grateful to still have my mom around in my life.