Believe it or not I'm kind of at a loss for words here. (note: I was when I started writing...you'll see I found some words eventually...LOL) This has been an interesting week with regards to my weight loss, with a few mixed emotions swirling in my head.
I'm proud of myself for staying true to my commitment to getting up at 5:30 every morning and sticking with my new workout plan. I'm really enjoying the running again, and getting up early is allowing me time to workout and still get things done. It's going great!
But... I've also been fighting that rebellious little girl inside that I mentioned last week. :)
The only way I can really explain it is like this. When I started out on my journey, almost three years ago, I was really scared to try losing weight again. I was scared of failure, scared of what people would think about me being "on a diet" again and I spent lots of time working through all of those emotions.
Now I'm at a point where most of that is done. For the most part, I'm no longer overwhelmed with fear of failure. Now I am on the verge of seeing those last bricks in the wall between me and a healthier life come down and I'm fighting doing what's right with everything I've got.
It's like the emotional clutter is out of the way and I'm being faced with just obeying what needs to be done to get the weight off. Yes, I still have emotional moments where I can't imagine being thin, or fearing failure; but in reality it's more the struggle to do what's right.
Plus, I've been hard on myself this week because I wanted to be at a certain number today for a Valentine's date my husband and I are going on and I'm not there. I could've been if I would've stuck to the plan, but I didn't. So, I'm still hovering just under 180 and that's frustrating.
Actually, as I type this I'm realizing that's where most of my weight loss funk has come from this week. That and a confrontation earlier this week and a bit of a cold, but really with regards to my weight it's the lack of "getting with it".
Because I also told myself I wasn't going to buy new workout pants until I hit 170, as sort of a motivational prize, but I bought some on Wednesday. My other pants are so loose I have to pull the drawstring tight and tie it tight so they won't slide around when I run and that was so uncomfortable. Well, while I am loving my new fitted capri workout pants I also felt so guilty for buying them when I hadn't reached my goal.
Yes, I think that's where the problem is this week...I didn't reach a goal I wanted to reach and I'm feeling guilty.
Instead, I know I need to rejoice in this loss, rejoice in the fact that I am running again and remind myself that this is MY journey and I can't set my expectations so high that I never feel successful at the little things.
I know I'm fighting to break down the last bits of what holds me back from completing this journey and I won't quit fighting.
In the meantime, I'm going to do some things around the house and enjoy my date tonight. This journey isn't over and I will prevail. By God's grace I will conquer! I have to...there's no other option for me now.
Have a good weekend and, as always, thanks for 'listening' !