Meltdown

Prologue: I debated writing this post because it's a bit depressing, but I wanted a written history of what happened to remind me that this journey is full of ups and downs.

Just before bed last night I had a meltdown. A complete, sobbing meltdown with regards to my weight loss, or lack thereof lately. I've been struggling on and off over the past week or two with caring whether or not I ate healthy or moderate portions.

I was so frustrated and decided I just didn't care any more. I was tired of it all, etc. etc. I was thinking of never blogging again and just walking away from the pursuit of my healthy weight. Heck, I'm discussing health subjects with a friend who actually practices what she preaches while I'm overeating because I can't, or won't, discipline myself enough to eat right. I figured I would keep running and exercising and living like I am and be comfortable at 180.

But the sobbing continued, and I knew deep, deep inside I couldn't quit. I always quit and I can't this time. I've committed to fighting through this and as hard as it was I knew I couldn't give up.

The only thing that stopped me from crying was I told myself I needed to brush my teeth before bed. As I was brushing I stopped crying, and then, upon finishing, I crawled into bed.

There were no more tears, but I just knew I couldn't quit and had no idea how I was going to finish. Just when I thought all the "I can't change" thoughts were over I found myself battling them again and I felt a tad hopeless.

About ten minutes later my husband asked if I was okay when he got into bed and I whispered, "no." He spoke a few encouraging words to me and encouraged me that change doesn't happen over night (and apparently not in 2 1/2 years either for some of us).

I woke up feeling a little better and decided I would just take it a meal and a day at a time; but I still had some funkiness going on. I also had a moment of realization/reminder.

No, I can't do this. I can not be disciplined and be the Perfect Dieter who sticks to her plan and sees great losses every week. The woman who just gets it done and doesn't bat an eye about the need to sacrifice to reach the goal.

Not on my own.

As I literallycried out to God about the subject this morning I kept thinking of the beginning of Philippians 4:19 "but my God shall supply all your needs...".

I do not want to be a women obsessed with her weight and healthy eating; but I know that eating in moderation and taking care of my body is a good thing. By myself I can not break down this wall of "I can't.", but with God's help I can.

He promises to meet my needs. He already proved that to me last night when my husband asked if I was okay and let me cry for a minute about this issue. God knew I needed that. He knew I was struggling and needed someone to help me remember that I have lost 50 pounds and kept it off, and that I did chose to not eat my entire restaurant breakfast that same morning, or that I ordered turkey sausage instead of regular without giving it a second thought.

I know I have to make the decisions that will lead to weight loss, praying will not make the pounds fall off, but I am reminded that I am not in this alone.

Maybe that's why I had that meltdown. I needed to remember that I do still struggle with "toxic thoughts" (another subject for another day), but...I can press on.

Though last night I didn't think I'd say this again...giving up is not an option for me. One choice at at time I will continue to fight and work towards winning this battle. If I need a break from reading all the weight loss blogs and comparing my journey to others, then I'll take it. However, I will continue exercising and journaling my food and making better choices. And I will continue to update my weigh-ins every Friday.

I will also continue to " trust in the Lord with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding.. in all [my] ways [I will] acknowledge Him and he will set my paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6, adapted for personal use.

Thank you for listening.