"Accept Who You Are"

I subscribe to the daily newsletter sent out by the digital scrapbooking company Scrap Girls.  I found this little excerpt to be very true and thought I'd share it with everyone.

I will be able to change my weight, but not some parts of my body.  That's why I personally agree that it's best to learn to love myself now, so that I will love even more the person hidden under all the extra weight.  

I especially love the last line....

Accept Who You Are

I've spent more than half a century wishing I was something other than I am. I realized my error this morning, as I was blowing my hair dry. Instead of spending a lot of time using a round brush to attempt to get everything to roll under, I flipped my hair over and used my fingers as I dried it, allowing it to go where it wanted.

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized that I have hair that many people would enjoy. And yet, I haven't liked it. I believe that to become presentable, I had to tame its behavior. I had to alter it.

Ridiculous.

It is just as silly of me to wish my fair skin, short chin and blond eyelashes away and that is what I have been doing. They are what they are. To wish them away is to wish myself away.

- Ro

"It's a good thing, Mom!"

I haven't worked out at all this week until last night.  I couldn't stand it anymore.  Yes, we were busy.  Monday was Memorial Day, Tuesday the last day of school, Wednesday some shopping with my mother-in-law who is visiting from another state, Thursday a dental appointment and laundry that desperately needed attending to.  On top of our busy schedule we've been staying up waaay too late and of course, who wants to wake up early when you didn't go to bed until midnight, or talked 'til 1:00 am??  But I couldn't stand it...I was feeling so GUILTY!! 

I kept telling myself that it's baby steps and I'll be back on track once my MIL leaves, which is tomorrow, but I couldn't always talk away the guilty thoughts.

So, last night I got out one of my new Leslie Sansone DVDs and decided I would do at least one of the five miles while my husband and MIL went to Wal-Mart.  One of my 11-year-old DDs (I have twin DDs) decided to do it with me.  It's a new DVD called "The 5-day slimdown" - you do a mile a day as they each target something in particular.  So, I decided that I could fit 14-16 minutes of walking into my evening and the laundry would eventually get folded.  

As I'm getting out the DVD my DD says to me, "Mom, it's a good thing you have all of those walking DVDs.  So, if we get fat when we get older we can come and use them to lose weight!" 

LOL !!!  Here's my twiggy thin DD telling me she's glad I'll be able to help them out later if they gain weight when they grow up.  

Well, dear, you bet!! I'll keep these DVDs, keep doing them and if you ever have a problem with your weight as you grow up you are more than welcome to come workout with mom!! 

P.S.  We ended up doing two of the five miles and I felt so much better afterwards.  She was a trooper and made it through the whole two miles..I think she might have even worked up a little bit of a sweat.  :o)

Weigh-In

First an explanation:  Years ago (when I was on WW I think) I got into the habit of weighing myself on Tuesday mornings.  So, I try and stay away from the scale during the week and then weigh myself on Tuesday morning.  

Now for today's weigh-in.... I maintained at 226.5.  Am I upset?  Not at all.  I only worked out three times last week and I've been eating moderately all the yummy mexican food my mother-in-law makes.  So, I was pleased.

I found it interesting that in the book "Body Clutter" she reminds us that the scale is not to be hated..it's only a tool to help us take care of our weight.   I had to remind myself of that this morning.  "It's only a tool.  It's only a tool.", I repeated to myself in my mind.  [grin] 

So, onward and upward.  I'm not expecting great losses when I'm not working my hardest yet.  They will come.  I'm just happy that I haven't gone up and can say I'm still down 5 pounds!

That's What Friends Are For

I have only told a couple of best friends and my mom about my attempt at losing weight again.  I've chickened out from telling one of my best friends though....  She and I have both battled weight loss and are both currently back up at the high end of weight.  She actually lost over 60 pounds a few years ago, but has since gained it all back.

Now I know when I am at my heaviest weight and not in the mood to lose weight it's hard for me to be excited when someone talks about losing weight.  I'm always like, "That's great!" and on the inside I condemn myself for being so fat and then just decide that I don't care even though I'm usually a little jealous that I can't lose the weight myself.

But after eleven years of friendship I can't keep secrets from my friend for too long, so I decided just to let her know about it.  I told her I'd understand if she was skeptical of me since I've tried this before, but I just wanted her to know.  She's so sweet and I had a feeling she'd be supportive no matter what -- that's the kindhearted type of person that she is. 

I was surprised to find out that she has also really been struggling with her weight gain lately.  We chatted for a long time and turns out she could use the encouragement to get motivated to lose some weight also.   Her oldest son is  graduating from high school a year from now and she would like to lose the extra weight by then. 

After all was said and done I was so glad I told her about my weight loss attempt.  I probably spent more time encouraging her and yet that in itself encouraged me.  She's gotten to her goal before, but I never have.  So, now that I'm motivated hopefully I can help her get motivated to take those baby steps to start and she can encourage me to keep going; and together I know we can reach our goals.  Because after all, that's what friends are for, right?  :o) 

To Blog or Not to Blog

As you've noticed, I finally got my weight loss blog up and running today. It took me a while to decide if I was going to blog or not. Honestly, the only thing holding me back was fear. Fear of failure. "What if I blog about it and then never lose the weight?" or "What if I lose the weight and then gain it all back like before?"

However, I've always been so inspired when following other peoples' weight loss blogs. Just seeing that I'm not the only one out there struggling with this and that many others have lost the weight and kept it off has kept me going at times in the past.

So, I decided to put aside my fears and go ahead and start this blog. My plan is to succeed and I know I can make it with baby steps and discipline.

The fear is still there, but I'm trying to face it by starting this blog. Only a few of my closest friends know about it and when I lose my first ten pounds I'll tell more of them. I'm a little nervous to let everyone know that I'm working on weight again and I figure my actions will speak louder than words. When they see the loss, they'll ask and then I'll tell them that I'm working on it again.

In the meantime, if I can encourage even just one person with my blog, then I'm happy.

Current Goals

My current goal is to walk at least three days a week, drink at least 32 oz. of water a day, eat only until satisfied, snack only when truly hungry and then pick fruit or something healthy and not worry about how long this journey is going to take. Baby steps...

New Endings

"Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. "  ~ Roberta Brenick

I found this quote about a year ago and loved it.  So, I printed it out and made this little reminder for me with my scrapbooking stuff.  I put it in my bedroom where I'll see it every day and be reminded that I can have a new ending as a thin woman, wife and mother.

Before Picture

May 2009

Beginning Weight:  231.5 pounds

Clothing Size:  A very snug 20w

I decided to buy a workout t-shirt in a size smaller than I currently wear to take my "Before Picture" in.  I figured this was the closest I would come to sharing with everyone exactly how large I was in the beginning.  

A Good Start

I am not following any certain weight loss program.  If asked I would say Weight Watchers is the best program out there.  Since I've been on it many times before I know what I need to do food wise.   To begin, my food goals are to only snack on healthy snacks, drink at least 32 oz. of water daily and only eat at meals until satisfied (not stuffed).  

I have begun working out at least three days a week with Leslie Sansone's Walk At Home DVDs.  This is a walking workout that I absolutely love!!!  Some people don't care for her, but I really enjoy it.  I've started out doing either 2 miles or 3 miles, three times a week.  I'm pushing myself as hard as I can and being so big it has made me sweat more than ever in the past during a workout.  

I'm also finishing up reading this book "Body Clutter" by Leanne Ely.  I've been writing in a journal as she suggests after each chapter and it has really helped me deal with some emotional and personal weight-related issues.  

These three things are helping me off to a good start and my weight last Tuesday was 226.5.  Technically I'm down about 5 pounds.  It's a good start!

Past and Present

So, I will give a little history to get this blog going. I'm sorry this post is so long, but I want you to understand exactly where I am and where I'm coming from. Since this is my blog, I felt I could go ahead and "tell it all".

First off, I'm currently 32 years old, 5' 4" and the highest weight I saw on the scale a month ago was 232.5.

I was a chubby little girl who was raised in a family who loved her no matter how she looked yet I've always been worried about my weight and how I looked because I wasn't thin and most of my friends growing up were. We went on Weight Watchers when I was in junior high and then again in high school and I managed to lose weight, but never to keep it off.

My husband fell in love with me at a chubby weight and we've been married for almost 14 years now. The first year of marriage I gained 30 pounds and this pretty much set the stage for my weight issues in our marriage. Being so comfortable in a loving, secure relationship I have allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted and in whatever quantity, attempting on and off to lose weight and keep it off.

I've been pregnant twice and had three kids. Twin girls came first 11 years ago and a boy came 8 years ago. I was about 195 pounds when I became pregnant both times and gain 76 pounds the first time and about 40 pounds the second time (I honestly don't remember about the second one because I was so much smaller than with the twins that I wasn't worried.)

After having my son I tried the Weigh Down Workshop and finally found some help in getting my weight off and kept it off for a year or so. I only got down to 170, but since I hadn't been there since my wedding I was thrilled.

Then it got cold outside and I quit walking. I began to spread and was sorely vexed. Six months later some big changes hit our family, including a move and me starting a sit-down job part-time from home. I managed to gain 50 pounds in two years.

I've lost 20 of that..two different times and then finally quit trying. A year ago I quit spending money on Weight Watchers' online program because I knew something deeper inside of me needed to change and I felt I was wasting money on this program that I wasn't sticking to.

Side note: My husband is currently a full-time student in the dental program at the University of Oklahoma. We don't exactly have lots of extra cash for diet programs, meals, etc. etc.

About a year ago when I quit WW I decided that I was going to follow the advice I kept reading by Geneen Roth and learn to love myself -- even if I never lost another pound. I was about 210 pounds at that time.

This was very hard for me. To love myself if I never lost any more weight??? Crazy. But I am a praying woman and I asked God to help me in this area.

In my quest to love myself I also began buying myself some cute clothes and underthings that fit me. Lane Bryant became MY store. I decided I was going to use coupons and get some things that wouldn't make me feel so fat and that I could feel pretty in. It helped a lot.

However, last winter we were visiting friends out west for the holidays and I took some pictures that made me sad. As I looked at them I told my husband that woman in the photo isn't me and I hate it. I didn't feel as large as I had become. But, because I was loving myself I wasn't motivated to do anything about it. I was trying to just accept that I'd always be the "fat girl" in the pictures.

Then some things hit me.

If I am going to love myself I really need to do what is best for myself and though I might not like it it will need to include some discipline. You see, I had gain another twenty pounds and the first week of April of this year I weighed myself only to be shocked by seeing 230 pop up.

230 pounds. I haven't been this big except when pregnant. Even after dropping the initial pregnancy weight I was only 220.

Now I knew things were out of control and I needed to take a serious look at my health.

In April I also noticed my knees were beginning to bother me. If I am sitting or standing for a while and change positions it hurt my knees. Going up the stairs in my house hurt my knees.

It was time to change. So, I did. I had finally been able to love myself and finally realized that loving myself didn't mean letting myself have whatever I wanted and in whatever quantities. I don't let my kids overindulge in things that aren't good for them, so why did I think it was okay for me???

Well, that's when I begin to talk to my husband about doing something about my weight. He agreed that 230 was too big and just suggested I start walking again. I did. Then we started watching "The Biggest Loser" online just for fun and I began to get very motivated when I saw these huge people exercising and losing lots of weight.

I began to relate to these people whose weight had crept up to morbidly obese and now they were doing something about it. While I had no desire to workout for 6 hours a day I finally began to see the light that I could actually lose the weight and keep it off. I realized that diet and exercise would play a major part and I was ready to change.

My husband has never battled weight, but he has put on some weight while being a student. Now he understands a little of what I've gone through my entire life. So, he decided that this summer he was going to begin going to the gym and get rid of his "college gut". He asked if I wanted to join him and we could work on it together. Actually, he said that he was going to help me out and I agreed and thanked him.

This is the first time ever my husband has offered to help me in my weight loss and I know his encouragement is helping me more than deciding to do it myself. Together we will make better health choices and portion choices for us and our family and we will make exercise a new part of our daily routines. Together we will get through this!

THE photo

In April of this year we took this photo as we gathered with our three kids and three more we were babysitting for a week.  I thought it would be fun to see us all in our PJs...then I saw myself on the end!  

Upon viewing the photo on my digital camera my husband even took in a quick breath of air while quietly saying, "oh."  I made my family retake the picture with me and him hiding behind the kids.  I was so embarrassed and thought to myself that I'd never show this picture to anyone. 

However, instead of deleting the photo from my camera I decided to keep it and use it to motivate me to NEVER get this large again.  Grant it, my nightgown is the least flattering of all my clothing, but still.  If I was thinner I wouldn't look so huge.    

For the Last Time

I'm going to begin this blog by saying that this is the last time I'm going on this weight loss journey.  There is much to share and I will get to it later, but suffice it to say that this is not the first time I've tried to lose weight.  However, it will be the last time.