Past and Present

So, I will give a little history to get this blog going. I'm sorry this post is so long, but I want you to understand exactly where I am and where I'm coming from. Since this is my blog, I felt I could go ahead and "tell it all".

First off, I'm currently 32 years old, 5' 4" and the highest weight I saw on the scale a month ago was 232.5.

I was a chubby little girl who was raised in a family who loved her no matter how she looked yet I've always been worried about my weight and how I looked because I wasn't thin and most of my friends growing up were. We went on Weight Watchers when I was in junior high and then again in high school and I managed to lose weight, but never to keep it off.

My husband fell in love with me at a chubby weight and we've been married for almost 14 years now. The first year of marriage I gained 30 pounds and this pretty much set the stage for my weight issues in our marriage. Being so comfortable in a loving, secure relationship I have allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted and in whatever quantity, attempting on and off to lose weight and keep it off.

I've been pregnant twice and had three kids. Twin girls came first 11 years ago and a boy came 8 years ago. I was about 195 pounds when I became pregnant both times and gain 76 pounds the first time and about 40 pounds the second time (I honestly don't remember about the second one because I was so much smaller than with the twins that I wasn't worried.)

After having my son I tried the Weigh Down Workshop and finally found some help in getting my weight off and kept it off for a year or so. I only got down to 170, but since I hadn't been there since my wedding I was thrilled.

Then it got cold outside and I quit walking. I began to spread and was sorely vexed. Six months later some big changes hit our family, including a move and me starting a sit-down job part-time from home. I managed to gain 50 pounds in two years.

I've lost 20 of that..two different times and then finally quit trying. A year ago I quit spending money on Weight Watchers' online program because I knew something deeper inside of me needed to change and I felt I was wasting money on this program that I wasn't sticking to.

Side note: My husband is currently a full-time student in the dental program at the University of Oklahoma. We don't exactly have lots of extra cash for diet programs, meals, etc. etc.

About a year ago when I quit WW I decided that I was going to follow the advice I kept reading by Geneen Roth and learn to love myself -- even if I never lost another pound. I was about 210 pounds at that time.

This was very hard for me. To love myself if I never lost any more weight??? Crazy. But I am a praying woman and I asked God to help me in this area.

In my quest to love myself I also began buying myself some cute clothes and underthings that fit me. Lane Bryant became MY store. I decided I was going to use coupons and get some things that wouldn't make me feel so fat and that I could feel pretty in. It helped a lot.

However, last winter we were visiting friends out west for the holidays and I took some pictures that made me sad. As I looked at them I told my husband that woman in the photo isn't me and I hate it. I didn't feel as large as I had become. But, because I was loving myself I wasn't motivated to do anything about it. I was trying to just accept that I'd always be the "fat girl" in the pictures.

Then some things hit me.

If I am going to love myself I really need to do what is best for myself and though I might not like it it will need to include some discipline. You see, I had gain another twenty pounds and the first week of April of this year I weighed myself only to be shocked by seeing 230 pop up.

230 pounds. I haven't been this big except when pregnant. Even after dropping the initial pregnancy weight I was only 220.

Now I knew things were out of control and I needed to take a serious look at my health.

In April I also noticed my knees were beginning to bother me. If I am sitting or standing for a while and change positions it hurt my knees. Going up the stairs in my house hurt my knees.

It was time to change. So, I did. I had finally been able to love myself and finally realized that loving myself didn't mean letting myself have whatever I wanted and in whatever quantities. I don't let my kids overindulge in things that aren't good for them, so why did I think it was okay for me???

Well, that's when I begin to talk to my husband about doing something about my weight. He agreed that 230 was too big and just suggested I start walking again. I did. Then we started watching "The Biggest Loser" online just for fun and I began to get very motivated when I saw these huge people exercising and losing lots of weight.

I began to relate to these people whose weight had crept up to morbidly obese and now they were doing something about it. While I had no desire to workout for 6 hours a day I finally began to see the light that I could actually lose the weight and keep it off. I realized that diet and exercise would play a major part and I was ready to change.

My husband has never battled weight, but he has put on some weight while being a student. Now he understands a little of what I've gone through my entire life. So, he decided that this summer he was going to begin going to the gym and get rid of his "college gut". He asked if I wanted to join him and we could work on it together. Actually, he said that he was going to help me out and I agreed and thanked him.

This is the first time ever my husband has offered to help me in my weight loss and I know his encouragement is helping me more than deciding to do it myself. Together we will make better health choices and portion choices for us and our family and we will make exercise a new part of our daily routines. Together we will get through this!