Hot 100 - Update October

My goals for the Hot 100 challenge are set up in three sections, one for each month that leads us out of this year. So, since today is the last day of October I thought I'd update everyone on whether I made my goals or not.

Hot 100 Goals for October:

Scale Goal: See any kind of a weight loss by the time my mother-in-law leaves, which should be by the end of this month.

Emotional Goal: Not get offended when my mother-in-law offers a comment she thinks will help me with my "diet". She hasn't made more than maybe two in a week, but I found myself getting angry right away. Yet, when I thought more on it...she was right. Ouch.

Scale Goal: Yes! MIL is actually leaving for home today. (great timing for Hot 100, eh?) I was 213.5 pounds when MIL got here and as of yesterday I am 209.5. I managed to lose 4 pounds while she was here. I am going to be happy with that as I could've easily seen a gain with all the good cooking. :)

Emotional Goal: Yes! I'm happy to say that she made less and less comments, though there weren't very many to begin with, but even just little comments on everyday life that were supposed to be helpful haven't been bothering me as much. I just realize that we were raised VERY different and she's only sharing her opinion of what works/doesn't work for her like I probably will to my grown children someday. All in all, I learned that if she had to live with us for some reason it would be fine. We got along great! She was a real blessing to us in many ways.

So, that's it for this first month folks. I'm happy to say that I met my goals and now on to work towards my goals for November. :)

p.s. Please excuse the large font up there..not sure what I did wrong and I don't have time to figure it out at the moment. :)

Weigh-In ... Relieved

Today's Weight: 209.5

Loss/Gain: +0.5 lb.

Total Loss So Far: -21.5 lbs

Well, I was relieved to see that I was only up 0.5 a lb. While it's still a little vexing, I'm not nearly as upset as last night.

Thank you Steve and Diane for your support and words of belief in me. I means a lot to know people believe in you. :)

I had a good talk with my husband late last night and let it all out. It was good to let it out. He is very supportive and encouraging and I'm so grateful for that. He reminded me of how there are some ladies on The Biggest Loser this season who are working so hard and eating so strict and they still only pull 4-5 lb losses each week. He said we are all different and encouraged me to just keep going.

So, here's to another week. I will not quit and I will keep going. I do feel better than when I started and I know that I will keep going day by day, choice by choice to make it to my goals.

Have a nice Friday everyone!

Now For Some Honesty

Okay, I wrote my trying-to-be-positive post about a half hour ago, but honestly I just want to cry. Well, okay, I did cry while cleaning up.... so frustrated. I decided to come back to the computer and get it out of my system.

There are some other factors frustrating me at the moment, but nothing major.

I am just seriously wondering if I can ever make it in losing weight....

BUT.... I know I can't give up.

I hope I feel better in the morning.

Thanks for the encouraging words and just for being there everyone - even if it's not in person.

I'm letting my blog song play over and over to remind me that I just gotta keep climbing.

Goodnight, for real.

A veggie boat, a coffee and the elliptical again.

Folks I don't think I'm going to see a loss tomorrow, or at least I will be surprised if I manage to pull a loss after this past week. Though I do plan on seeing one next week, because it's time to get back with the program.

In getting back with the program I can say that today I had lunch with my husband at the dental school and made a great choice. I knew you would all be proud of me.

They were selling barbecued hamburgers and offered little dishes of veggies with dip, bags of chips, nachos, fixings for frito chili pie and sweets. I noticed the chips were only 50cents a little snack bag and the veggies were $2.

My husband commented on no wonder people say it's too expensive to eat healthy.

I almost just chose the chips since they were the small snack bag just because they were cheaper, but I decided not too. I may not pay the cash now, but I knew I'd pay a price later for them.

So, I ordered a hamburger and the veggie boat on the side with a diet coke.

The veggies were fresh baby carrots, grape tomatoes, celery sticks, broccoli, cauliflower and a mini yellow bell pepper. I grabbed maybe 1-2 Tbsp of dip to help the broccoli go down, but that was it for dip.

When I sat down a fellow student and friend of ours says to me, "What is that?!?!?"

"They're veggies, Jay!"

He comments on how gross, yada, yada. But you know what... I felt better when I was done with my veggies and then my burger.

Anyway....

I was proud of my choices, but in the afternoon when I was taking my daughter to ballet I decided to stop for a non-fat, no whip white mocha from Starbucks. We also shared a slice of pumpkin loaf. I was very hungry and actually only at about 1/4 of it. She ate the rest with her small hot cocoa.

I really enjoyed my coffee with a good book sitting in the car while it was rainy and wet out and she was inside for an hour of ballet.

So... I know I have to stop the coffees, but I did enjoy it. I guess it takes the joy out of my good choice at lunch.

But...and finally for today...

I did make time to go to the gym tonight and get another good 30-minute workout on the elliptical. This is two weeks now that I've used the elliptical machine for 30-minutes, twice a week. I was proud of myself. I did my own little intervals, going REALLY fast for a solid minute, and then back to my brisk/fast pace for 5 minutes. Tore me up, but I am happy I got it done.

So, while I don't expect any good news on the scale tomorrow I have seriously been thinking about what needs to change this week and I will get back on track with my eating.

Honestly, I don't expect you to believe me until you see it, so don't worry. I just look forward to checking in with you when I've been doing better with my food AND exercise at the same time.

G'nite!

One Positive Thing

I'm still feeling like I can't get it together with my weigh and diet, but I decided to have one positive thing to share today. Well, make that two...

I ate a salad with my lunch of fresh, home-cooked tamales. This cut down on having that extra tamale to fill me up.

I also noticed that I am pushing myself harder in my at-home walking DVDs. I actually start sweating and huffing and puffing before we've finished the first mile. This is good. I think I unintentionally started pushing myself to lift my legs higher and pump my arms more when I saw what I was capable of on the elliptical almost two weeks ago.

These are good things happening today here in beautiful, autumn-colored Okieland. :)

Weightloss Portions and Other Thoughts

As I mentioned before I've also been in a bit of a funk these few weeks. Well, Steve over at Log My Loss made a great comment the other day about eating only weightloss portions this week to get over the funk he's in.

The phrase "weightloss portions" really hit home with me. To look at my portions as what I need to eat to lose weight versus what I can eat to maintain my weight is something I don't always do. I think it's a good way to think to keep track of how much a person should eat, that is if you're having a hard time stopping when you feel satisfied like I have been lately.

So, I have been also trying to get myself motivated to eat smaller portions again. I also need to get those fruits and veggies in. Today the only fruit/vegetable I got in was a frozen banana in my protein shake for lunch.

Oh, I also confess that I need to step away from the candy. Sheesh! Compared to my former self I'm not eating hardly any, but the last couple of days it's been 3-4 candies a day - like 3-4 dark chocolate kisses.

Water has been getting better, so that's good. I really need to get back to the water too, and I am doing that.

My workouts have been fine. Today I busted my rear on the elliptical for 10 minutes at about 130 strides per minute, then I finally had to drop down to my former highest rate of 125 strides per minute. I did a total of 32 minutes on the elliptical with 4 minutes being warm-up/cool down at a much slower pace. Then I did the weight machines, three sets of eight on each machine and with heavier weights this time. It was a good workout day and I can feel myself getting stronger physically.

So, I feel better, with the exception of eating a little too much food and candy, and just hope that the scale shows something this week. I don't know if I have enough days left of eating better to make a difference, but I certainly hope so! If not, there's always another week, and I'll press on for more then.

I Will Not Fail

I have been in a bit of a funk again, mainly with my food. My exercise has been great and I've seen some wonderful non-scale victories in the realm of my fitness levels; but it seems I'm not being so careful with my food.

This is driving me nuts and I'm ready for it to end.

So, today I happen to pop on over to Steve's blog at Log My Loss and he posted this great motivation for Monday on getting out of the funk. I suggest you take a minute and check it out here if you're fighting a road block or funk in your weightloss journey, or in any area of your life for that matter.

One thing he said was for us to repeat to ourselves:

I am worth it.

I will not quit.

I will not fail.

I could print this out and stick it on my mirror to look at every day. I do struggle with feeling like I'm not worth it and being afraid that I will fail.

Yet, as I've said before, deep down I know that I refuse to quit and thus I can not fail. Along the way I am learning that I am worth it also.

So, I will keep doing what I know to do. I will push myself to keep an extra eye on my food portions, curb the sweets and high fats, drink my water and make sure to get my exercise in. I know that by doing this I will NOT fail in the long run.

I hope you can be encouraged also that you will not fail!

p.s. If you pop on over to Steve's blog..leave him a nice little note. He really has a kind heart and cares so much for others who struggle with weight issues. Thanks, Steve!

Progression Pics - 5 Months

I always like seeing other people's progress pictures, so I decided back when I started this journey that I would take pictures every month to have my own set of pictures to look back over and share.

I bought an outfit that was a size smaller than I was wearing when I started my weight loss journey, so they were very tight on me. I always take my pictures when the clothes are freshly washed so that they don't look baggy just from being worn.

"Baggy" ha! Today was the first time I noticed the shirt is actually a little loose in spots. When I took the first pictures it was skin tight. *grin* Now the shirt is still too tight for me to wear out anywhere, but it is comfortable enough for me to workout in.

Beginning Front View - 231.0 lbs

5 months later, front - 209.0 lbs

-22.0 lbs so far

Beginning Side View - 231.0 lbs.

5 months later, side - 209.0 lbs

-22.0 lbs so far

You can see the month by month progress here. I was super busy in September, so I didn't take pictures that month. I try and take them during the same couple of days each month so that there are pretty much the same number of weeks between each shot.

So, while my weightloss journey has been a slow one at least I do see changes that coincide with how much better I am feeling now compared to 5 months ago. It's encouraging and revealing all at once to see these photos. I am encouraged that I've come so far, and I see where there is still more work to be done.

Have a great weekend!

A Funny Joke

I can't resist sharing this joke I received in my email today. Personally, I got a good laugh out of it. I'm all into donating, I give most of my children's clothes away when they don't fit anymore, but it was the ending of this joke that had me laughing.

CLOTHES DONATION I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to forget it.... Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

Weigh-In ... Each Day Counts

Today's Weight: 209.0

Loss/Gain: -1.0 lb

Total Loss So Far: -22.0 lbs

After I weighed in today the thought that kept coming back to me was, "Each day counts, Leah." Along with staying focused on the ultimate goal I have to remember that each day and each meal counts.

I don't have a problem with having a free day of sorts when it comes to food. However, I know that I have to be careful and make sure that I don't let one or two special meals happen too often so as to ruin my weight loss efforts.

Earlier this week I was stressing a bit about thinking I wasn't going to move away from 210 pounds. Well, I did move down one pound away and I'm happy with that. I will work harder to make sure that I am careful to stay focused on my goals and remember that each day counts on this journey. :)

Hot 100 - Update #3

I decided to post my updates for the Hot 100 Challenge every 10 days like Steve is doing it on his blog. So, now is the time (according to his blog..I lost track of time. *grin*)

So far my goals for October look like they will be met.

- I already weigh a little less than when my mother-in-law came on September 12th.

- I'm doing fine with any comments. Of course, she doesn't make that many, so it's been pretty easy. It's comments about non-food things that I've been learning to just ignore or not worry about. So, that is also good. :)

I have to confess that I'm worrying about making my November goal of reaching 199 by Thanksgiving. I'm struggling with breaking a plateau of sorts. I'm working out regularly and trying to get those fruits, veggies and water in.

Hopefully this will break soon and I'll be back on track. I am nervous, because I almost didn't join this challenge because I was afraid of not meeting my goals. As I see myself struggle with getting past 210 pounds I feel that fear of failure setting back in and I worry that I won't meet the goals after all.

I won't quit though. I just need to figure out what I can do to get that scale moving back in the right direction, so I can meet the rest of my Hot 100 goals.

The Gym

The gym I've started going to is part of the recreation area at this local church. They offer use of the gym for free to the public. You don't have to be a member of their church.

My neighbor told me about this soon after we moved in and I was too embarrassed to go to it since I'm not a member of their church, and I have my own church that I attend faithfully and am very involved in.

Then last spring I decided to check it out.

It consists of two full-sized basketball courts, a full walking track up on a second level around both courts, two raquetball courts and a workout gym. The workout room has two treadmills, one elliptical, free weights and one each of about ten different weight machines. You just have to go through the orientation to be able to use the workout room, and it really is free of cost.

Last spring I signed up and started walking on the track and then on the treadmill. I attempted to use the elliptical, but could only handle about 15, then 20 and maybe 30 minutes at a very slow pace and with lots of breaks.

I started doing my Leslie Sansone Walk At Home DVDs soon after going to this gym, so I stopped going and just worked out at home.

Last week I told my husband that I wanted to up my workouts a little bit and I was thinking of doing the elliptical and some weights twice a week. He encouraged me that he thinks it will really help my weight loss.

Being that my husband is a full-time dental school student a free gym fits in our budget perfectly. So, I am going to try and go twice a week for weights and the elliptical for now and then keep doing my DVDs at home the rest of the week.

I appreciate this church's little gym and look forward to seeing some great results from using it.

Confession

Yes, I confess...I like watching The Biggest Loser. We don't have a television, so I watch them online at NBC.com. Online they are a week behind what's currently playing, but it's okay for me.

For all the drama that's involved in that show I have heard bits of wisdom and heartfelt struggles that I can totally relate to. It was seeing this show for the first time last spring that helped push me into thinking I could lose this weight.

I felt like that once more last night when Dina said that she had to do this for herself. She had to get over her fears and struggles by herself and for herself.

So do I, Dina. And we will.

Snap Out of It

It is one thing to write this long post about getting focused, yada, yada and it's another entirely to actually do it. *sigh*

I'm in a bit of a funk this morning.

Yes, I'm happy with the loss I've seen so far and the changes physically that are noticeable more in clothing than on the scale. I weigh the same as a year ago, but my clothes fit me looser. It's great!

But it's not enough and I'm not content with that any more.

I know I can't quit. It's just not an option. I also know that I haven't been meeting my weekly goals, and I think I'll struggle until I do. I'm just so sick of doing good for a bit and then slacking off. It's been six months since I started and 21 pounds in six months means an average of 3.5 pounds a month.

I know it's better to be up than down, and at this rate I can still make my goal of being out of the plus sizes department by May 2011 (like I want to). But.... come on...I don't want to be the slowest person losing weight.

Okay, there it is. I don't want to be the slowest turtle in the race. I don't mind being the turtle, but I'm tired of being the slowest one.

Sorry this isn't an uplifting post, but it's how I'm feeling. I will get back on track....I will... I have a Hot 100 challenge to meet and I am determined to meet that goal.

Staying Focused

Over the weekend I've been thinking more and more on my weigh-in post and how it seems I got a little comfortable with my weight loss so far. I appreciate all the comments. They gave me something to think about. One comment that has really stuck in my mind was Diane saying "Stay focused and don't lose sight of where you want to be!"

That is my problem, and not just in weight loss.

Many times I get really excited about a project, start it, get distracted and then don't finish it. Or I do finish the project, but if it's one that needs upkeep I get lazy and don't have the motivation to maintain it.

Other times I am focused on an area of my life, but when things get hard I tend to just quit. It may be an obvious, "I give up." kind of quitting, or it may not be so obvious, a sort of "Well, things are getting tough, so I'll work on it as I'm able..some other day. "

I understand that there is balance in all things, but I know myself and my habit of not finishing things or backing off when some things gets hard is a habit that needs to change.

I notice that I tend to have one or two really good weeks and then the days/weeks that follow I tend to get lazy and think I can still see the same results. Sometimes I reach a goal, like losing the first 10 or 20 pounds, and I'm so excited that I just revel in that joy for a while instead of seeing it as a mile marker to be passed as I keep on going.

Well, this needs to change and I believe that it can. I don't believe that it's going to be easy, in fact it scares me a little to think I can change. It's hard to think I can change when I've always been this way.

Yet, though I have this habit in some areas I also have areas, life projects of sorts, that I've continued working on no matter what, and not gotten distracted in the process.

For example, I've stayed married for 14 years to the same man, I've had children and continue to learn how to be a better mom and how to better care for them, I've kept living for Jesus no matter what and I have relationships that I've kept up with for many years.

I have not let distractions keep me from staying focused on these areas of my life, so why should I let my weight loss journey be affected this way?

If I can stay focused on other, just as important, areas of my life, then I know I can make myself stay focused enough to see this journey through to the end. Maybe as I see my habits changing consistently in regards to weight loss I'll also see some change in how I approach other projects as well.

It's just going to take some hard work and...well, staying focused. :)

Weigh-In ... Comfortable?

Today's Weight: 210.0

Loss/Gain: -0.5 lb

Total Loss So Far: -21.0 lbs.

Yes, it's better down than up. However, I know I did not do my best this week with eating. On more than one occasion I ate beyond satisfied and I knew it. It wasn't the sweets, just the regular food. I made some really good decisions, but obviously too many "just-one-more" decisions and now I'm seeing the results.

I was thrilled with my loose jeans and I am still excited about the progress I showed on the elliptical yesterday, but I can't get comfortable. I'm no where near a healthy weight yet and I need to remind myself of that.

It was nice to hit 20 pounds lost, but it's time to keep moving on towards another goal, right? I have that Hot 100 Challenge to finish. So, I kind of have to set aside the good feelings about losing 20 pounds and work hard towards my first goal of 199.

Another step towards making that goal is getting good exercise in, so I'm off to exercise now.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!

After this morning I don't really care what the scale says tomorrow....

I'm THAT excited!!!

Why?

Because I decided to try the elliptical machine at a gym today and I was able to do 30 minutes at a steady, somewhat slow.... JOG !!!! And I only paused about 3 or 4 times for less than 60 seconds. I would tell myself, "No, keep going."

I stuck to the pace of the beat of my music.

It wasn't until about 25 minutes that my side started to hurt and the last 2 minutes were the closest I came to feeling like it was killing me. I tried this machine last spring, 20 pounds heavier and out of shape and I had to make myself stay on for 15 minutes with breaks every few minutes to go slow and I was dying then.

Not today!!

You have no idea what this workout has done to pump me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My legs were a little jiggly at the end of the workout, so I walked on the treadmill slowly for a 5-minute cool down before stretching. I was just trying to act cool and not fall over. LOL!!!

I'll write more about this little gym later, but when I asked the lady at the counter if she could show me how to use the machines again she agreed. As we were walking back into the gym she comments, "I noticed you were getting a good workout on that machine."

YES!!!!!!! An hour later I'm still flying high off how good it felt to be able to stick it out for 35 (I minutes (I did a 5-minute warmup walk on itl) on the elliptical!!!

Okay, I have to get showered and get on with my day. I'll write more later, but I couldn't get on with my day until I shared this great accomplishment with all of you.

p.s. Oh, and I even felt a drip of sweat go down my forehead and off my nose ... now THAT'S a workout!!!

p.p.s. I was so excited my MIL was laughing at me later after I got home and practically hugged her!!!

Really, She's Sweet

I just wanted to take a moment to put a good word in for my mother-in-law and clarify that when I say she makes "comments" they truly are very few and far between.

I just think that there's this unwritten rule about daughter-in-laws taking everything mother-in-laws say as criticism. Whether it's how the laundry is done or serving smaller portions when to help a DIL lose weight as in my case. It's like a natural instinct and I have to fight that feeling sometimes.

My mother-in-law is pretty quiet and not openly affectionate to the degree I or my mom are. She does not freely give praise to her adult children. Yet, when I'm struggling with something and I share it with her, she is very supportive and comforting. (And I'm usually surprised at how much she really does care for me...)

So, please understand that if/when I mention a comment MIL says ... I'm talking about a comment from a kind, sweet lady that can be taken as criticism from me because of this unwritten DIL vs MIL rule. She is by no means the the hurtful, jealous woman like in the movie "Monster In Law". THANK THE LORD!!!

I'm Still Scared Sometimes

Today I worked. I'm a substitute and I only work part-time and solely at my children's school, where I know most of the teachers pretty well and I see them on a regular basis. After I finished my lunch today I was making a comment about showing my MIL something and how silly it was...yada...yada, because I felt the need to explain to her how I had prepared a certain lunch item.

Someone looked at me curiously and asked, "Huh?"

Well, I realized that I had quickly skimmed over mentioning that MIL might question something I put together for lunch because she knows I'm trying to lose weight. Since I managed to skip skim over that important point, this teacher didn't understand the point of my conversation.

I quickly offered, "Well, she knows I'm watching what I eat and how much, so she's trying to be helpful and somehow...'blah' 'blah'.."

As I mentioned, "..knows I'm watching what I eat and how much.." my stomach began to knot up a little bit. I was SO nervous and I did NOT want to say, "She knows I'm on a diet.", because I knew that the minute that fact gets around everyone will begin watching what I'm eating and the comments could start coming.

That scared me so much; and I'm not totally sure why. Even as I write this post my stomach is knotting up and I would kind of like to cry.

Has anyone else experienced this fear of having people know you're on a diet and/or changing your eating habits?

These are the few things I could come up with that might explain my knotted stomach at the thought of going public with my "diet":

1. Maybe I'm still scared of failure..okay, no I AM SCARED of failing.

2. Maybe I'm scared of the accountability. People can't help, but watch what you eat when you say you're dieting or making better choices.

3. I don't want someone saying, "Should you really eat that??".

Having put my thoughts on the matter out there, I have to say that it does look silly, huh? I can answer my own fears with this.

"Leah, you've lost 20 pounds, you're exercising regularly and why are you afraid of people watching you eat??? You took a salad of baby greens with feta cheese, tomatoes, 5-6 kalamata olives and Italian dressing with an apple and a Fiber One yogurt for lunch. Plus, you drank water. You only ate a pinch of the brownies that the cafeteria made for the entire staff (HUGE tray of them) to save room for the non-fat, no whip white mocha you were going to have later." (I felt like I could've skipped the special coffee, but I've been waiting like 4 days for that treat, so today was the day.)

Well, there it is. Despite knowing I'm doing better on my food choices, portions and getting regular exercise, I was almost terrified at anyone knowing I was seriously trying to lose weight and change my habits.

I think my food habits changing touches something far deeper than just saying no to brownies, and so by telling everyone that I'm working on losing weight I'm also admitting to them I'm working on some deeper issues in my life. hhmmm..... That just kind of popped out, but now I'm going to think on that.

I also think that I don't want someone telling me that I can't have sweets or "junk", because I do truly feel that everything is okay in moderation. And I don't think people will believe that everything is okay in moderation when I still have so much weight to lose.

Okay, I've rambled on quite a bit now, but I just had to get that off my chest. It was a new scenario that I had to deal with today and something I think I need to deal with sooner than later. It's so much easier to say you're losing weight when someone notices that you're thinner; but for some reason it's so hard for me to tell anyone that I'm seriously working on it.

I look forward to any comments, questions, criticisms you have to share.

Changing Desires

A few weekends ago we went to our local State Fair. We haven't ever taken our children to the State Fair, so this was a big deal for them. When I remember going to the fair a few times in my youth I always remember the booths, animals, rides and the food!

Oh, the yummy funnel cake and corn dogs!

My family didn't have much money growing up, so if we went to the fair and were able to get a snack it was a very special treat. My memories of fair food are not only the scrumptious crunch of a deep fried funnel cake dusted in the sweetness of powdered sugar, but they are also associated with family, fun and love.

This past trip to the State Fair was spent with my own husband, children and mother-in-law and it was also a day of fun, family and love. However, I noticed something different about myself this time.

As we walked down the little streets lined with all sorts of food booths I wasn't drawn to them. I didn't walk by planning which one I wanted to eat at and deciding how much I could have. I just walked by and noticed all of the interesting things they offered and that was it.

Fry bread is one of my favorite fair/carnival foods, so I decided I'd see if I could find a place that had those and that would be my treat. I didn't think about it all day, or keep watching the time wondering when we could eat. I just knew that was what I wanted and kept that in the back of my mind until lunchtime.

When it was time to eat I told my husband that fry bread sounded good to me. MIL and the girls agreed, so we four shared two of them. My son and husband shared a turkey leg.

We ate, commented on how sad we were that it wasn't as good as most we've had - they were thin instead of thick and chewy fry breads - finished up and then went on about our business. I was full and satisfied.

A while later we decided to try a dessert. As I mentioned, funnel cake is something we always get and share at a carnival or fair. However, this time the kids wanted something different and MIL wanted to try a cinnamon roll. The cinnamon rolls had caught my eye also, so she and I decided to share one and that was it for the dessert. Again, I was full and satisfied.

Full and satisfied with half a fry bread, half of a cinnamon roll and water for an entire six hours at the State Fair???

This was a day that I learned I am really changing from the inside out. I didn't spend the day dreading all the food temptations, or wondering how much I could fit in and then starve myself the rest of the week to see a weight loss, or even walking around feeling deprived of such yummy goodness.

I enjoyed the time with my family and enjoyed the foods that sounded best, but only in amounts I needed. And it seemed to come naturally. Even days later I couldn't explain how I felt to my friend, and I'm not quite sure she could understand me not wanting all that wonderful fair food.

And today all I know is that I am so grateful for this change that is happening in me. Not only the outside body is changing, but the inside desires are changing also and it feels so good!

New At-Home Gym (kind of...)

Okay, so I didn't buy anything to workout at home, but Thursday evening I was inspired to try something new. I took my husband's old laptop and put it on a shelf in our bedroom and did a workout after dinner in our bedroom.

This was nice because I was able to get some exercise in and not have to stop the family from using the nice, newer, large-screen Mac in the living room. Why didn't I think of this sooner? I really enjoyed my workout in private and could've used this many more times in the past month that my mother-in-law has been here.

Ah well, live and learn.

I liked working out in the bedroom so much that I actually went and did a 30-minute workout this morning before breakfast while everyone was lazing around in the living room. I didn't get a workout in yesterday, so I was real glad to have a private place to get one in today and not have to be up at the crack of dawn.

MIL will be here for three more weeks, so I'm sure I'll utilize my "gym" again a few times. :)

p.s. It's a good thing I worked out today because I gave in and ate a quarter pounder with cheese and fries for lunch!!! I thought about having a salad like earlier this week, but the burger sounded so good that I ate it. I had a light dinner later because I wasn't very hungry, so I'm thinking that is good.

Confidence Makes A Difference

I had an idea for a post, but couldn't get my thoughts out in an orderly fashion. So, I erased it and went to read Diane's blog post for today at Fit to the Finish.

It struck me to the very core, because I can totally relate to it. She said that the one mistake she made over and over was not having the confidence that she could really lose the weight.

If you don't follow her blog, I suggest you go and read it here.

I know having confidence in myself has been one of the biggest differences in this final weight loss attempt in comparison to past attempts. From the beginning I had to begin to believe in myself and that I could start making changes that would lead to weight loss. I had to deal with my inner self first and get the strength to even think that I could turn the health aspect of my life around. I had to have confidence that it could and would happen. When I started believing in myself the changes started taking place.

Some days I wonder if I'll ever get below 170, as that was the lowest I have ever reached in my adult life. I also wonder if I'll be able to stay at a healthy weight if I do indeed reach it, because I've never been thin for any length of time.

Then I stop and remember Diane's story and I know that if she could lose it and keep it off these past 12 years, then so can I.

I also stop and think about all the changes I've made so far. Many of these changes were things I never thought I'd see happen last Spring. Yet, little by little I am changing and little by little I'm seeing the weight come off.

Just like Diane said, these small successes are leading to more and more confidence in myself and my abilities to lose this weight. And that makes me so happy!! I CAN do this!!

Weigh-In ... Mixed Emotions

Today's weight: 210.5

Loss/Gain: + 0.5

Total Loss So Far: - 20.5 lbs

We'll start with the not-so-happy emotions:

Okay, so I was hoping for a tiny loss, even a maintain, so I was a little upset with this small gain. However, I'm pretty sure it's due to PMS and currently being right smack dab in the middle of my cycle. *sigh*

Plus, I was wondering how this week was going to turn out because I was home all week. You see, I noticed when I was working that I was eating more for lunch than I usually do at home. When I'm home I tend to just grab something light for lunch and not actually sit down and eat a meal. hhmmm... I was wondering if it would make a difference in my weigh-in. I also had a few mornings that I didn't eat "early", but at about 10:00, even 10:30 day, and I wonder if that makes a difference too. hhmm.... These are things I'm going to try and watch the next week and see what happens.

Now for the happy emotions:

First off, though I was sad to see a gain I was happy that I didn't have to give up my "4 bags of sugar"!! Seriously, I don't ever want to see those 20 pounds again and I was glad that I didn't creep up into them. Whew! I know I've heard of some gaining a full 1-3 pounds during their cycle, so I'm glad that wasn't me.

Secondly, I have a "non-scale victory" to share. This week our temperatures dropped to the 60's during the daytime and so I pulled out a handful of long-sleeved shirts and my jeans. Well, the tops all fit great (some are even loose) and the jeans are comfortable!!! Not just, "Oh, yea I can fit into these."; but they fit like, "Yes! My jeans are comfy and going to be too big soon, because they are a bit loose!"

Now you see why I have mixed emotions!! Here's on to a better week next week and going down the scale once more. :)

Another One!

Missy over at Fearless Missy also passed on the Over the Top award to me. I'm honored!! Two awards within 48 hours. :)

Since I've already passed it on once I won't be doing it again. My answers are two posts down.

Thanks for thinking of me, Missy!

Double Compliment

Last night a girl at church said she was looking over the video from our last Easter program and she noticed that both my husband and I have lost weight since then.

Woo Hoo!! I was excited and I know his ego was boosted as well. Like I said, he doesn't need to lose much weight, but he had put on a little bit and was working hard to get back in shape. I know he was glad when I told him she noticed his loss also.

I'm proud of him and of us. Compliments sure are motivation boosters!!

Have a great Thursday everyone.

My First Blog Award

Larkspur over at Am I Really That Fat? honored me with my first ever blog award.

My understanding is that I'm supposed to answer the following questions with one word and then pass this award on to six blogs that I would like to honor. Since it's the first time I've ever done one of these I will indeed pass it on. Plus, I have a few extra minutes today. :)

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your hair? curly
3. Your mother? artsy
4. Your father? wise
5. Your favorite food? homemade
6. Your dream last night? none
7. Your favorite drink? coffee
8. Your dream/goal? reachable
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? many
11. Your fear? failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? US Navy wife
13. Where were you last night? church
14. Something that you aren’t? tall
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. Wish list item? camera
17. Where did you grow up? USA
18. Last thing you did? type LOL!!! J/K breakfast
19. What are you wearing? slippers
20. Your TV? nonexistent
21. Your pets? none
22. Friends? lots
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? content
25. Missing someone? mom
26. Vehicle? paid off
27. Something you’re not wearing? jacket
28. Your favorite store? Many
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When was the last time you laughed? morning
31. Last time you cried? yesterday
32. Your best friend? faithful
33. One place that I go to over and over? bed LOL!! (I'm just cracking myself up on this one today..)
34. One person who emails me regularly? Sarah
35. Favorite place to eat? various

Okay, I only follow a few weightloss blogs, so I'm not sure that I have six people to forward this on to. I will do my best.

Thank you, again, Larkspur! I know many people get and receive awards, but this was a little fun for me and I'm honored.

And my awards go to .....*drum roll please*....

A New Start To A New Me, Chris is one of my best friends and faithful weightloss partner who is still pressing on in her weightloss journey even though she's going through some stuff right now. So far she has lost 24.3 pounds. Her blog is private, so I'm sorry you will not be able to see it.

Fit to the Finish, When I read Diane's story it just clicked with me and where I was coming from. Plus, the fact that she has kept it off for 12 years showed me that it was indeed possible. We have very similar struggles and she has been a blessing as a support to me from pretty much the beginning of my weight loss journey.

Journey to the Healthier Side of Life, Pam inspires me with all that she accomplishes and how she never gives up pushing herself to do better.

Thirty Ways, Nancy has been very kind and supportive of me and my blog. I appreciate all her comments and am encouraged by the success stories she posts on her blog.

Sunflowers 'N Daisies ~~Finding My Inner Athlete , Anyone who gets up before 5:00 am to workout deserves and award. :)

Log My Loss, Steve has been very kind by leaving suportive comments on my blog. Also, it was his challenge that I decided to join. He keeps up with his blog and has some very good insights on different topics. The backgrounds of his videos are lovely also... ahh to live in the country!

So, I guess I managed to find six blogs. I don't expect you all to pass the awards on, but feel free to if you'd like. I know it can get overwhelming when too many of these go around.

Hot 100 - Week 2 Update

So, week 2 of the Hot 100 Challenge is done!

My goals for the first third of the challenge are:

Hot 100 Goals for October:

Scale Goal: See any kind of a weight loss by the time my mother-in-law leaves, which should be by the end of this month.

Emotional Goal: Not get offended when my mother-in-law offers a comment she thinks will help me with my "diet". She hasn't made more than maybe two in a week, but I found myself getting angry right away. Yet, when I thought more on it...she was right. Ouch.

Today I am feeling: Good!

I finally got some real exercise in yesterday and it felt very good. Last Friday I was down some more, which means I'm getting farther and farther away from where I was when MIL came. So, that's helping me meet my October goals.

I'm a little PMS'y this week, so I had a few days of munchies. Not too bad, but more chocolate a couple of days than I needed. Though Monday and Tuesday nights I didn't have "real" hot cocoa because I knew I had to be careful.

Comments are fine. Mother-in-law laughed when I declined the yummy, rich Abuelita's cocoa she made Monday after I told her I needed to be careful. She means the best and has been so supportive. I'm doing better about that and who knows..maybe I'm just eating better so she doesn't need to say anything. Or, maybe our talk when I shared with her some of my struggles with weight gave her some insight.

Anyway, just so you know, she has not been overbearing at all with her comments. Please, don't get the wrong picture. There is just this unwritten rule that anything a MIL says that goes contrary to what a DIL thinks seems to be taken as criticism. I'm learning to break that rule in my life. :)

And one more confession... I'm SO GLAD I JOINED THIS CHALLENGE!!! Thanks, Steve! :)

My First Healthy McD's Lunch

Yesterday I took McDonald's to the school to have lunch with the girls. I was going to take one of them to get braces after lunch, so since she didn't like the lunch being served I decided to treat them both to McDonalds.

I drove up to the window, ordered two Big Mac Combos* and then I ordered a Southwest Grilled Chicken Salad for me with a diet Coke. I almost just ordered a McDouble for me and told myself I'd have a few fries, but something in me said, "No, you don't want that greasy ole burger today and you need some veggies. That salad should work."

So, I went to the school, we ate and I enjoyed my salad while they enjoyed their food. I didn't feel like I was left out because I didn't get a burger and fries. In fact, I ate about 5-8 french fries and that satisfied the salty craving I have around fries.

It was great and surprising all at once.

I remember reading a post from Diane at Fit to the Finish where she mentioned ordering healthy at fast food places and I thought, "Well, I can't see myself ordering a salad at McDonalds. I'd rather just have a small amount and be okay with that."

But I did order a salad and I liked it. :)

* Don't hate me about the Big Macs, because those are a treat for them. They also don't eat the entire meal. It's really amazing and something I learn from watching them. They were full after the burgers and so they only ate maybe a quarter of the fries. They gave me a few each and then we passed them on to some boys sitting at a table next to us. They were satisfied with their treat and didn't force more in just because it tasted so good. They've pretty much always been this way and I'm glad they have this good instinct, because I didn't as a child and it got worse as I grew up.

Staying Busy At Home

The last two weeks I worked full-time substituting. I usually work only 1-3 days a week, but once in a while I accept a lot of work all at one time. It was a crazy, busy time, but I noticed something about myself that I may not necessarily like.

When I have to work outside the home I am able to get up, get going and stay busy all day. Though I may be tired when I get home I'm usually pretty good about still taking care of my home duties and preparing for the next day.

When I am home all day I tend to waste more time and am not usually keeping myself busy with productive activities for the same amount of hours that I do when working a full day.

*sigh*

This is something I need to work on.

I think what it comes down to is that I can be more disciplined and stay busy when I'm accountable to someone else. However, when I'm just home I get the mindset that as long as I get the basics done I'm okay.

I truly believe that one of the joys of a stay-at-home mom is being able to work at your own pace and enjoy being home. Yet, I really need to learn to stay focused enough to get a little more done each day.

What does this have to do with weight loss?

Well, I noticed that the past two weeks I was on my feet, up and down all day at school. Then I came home and was on my feet some more. It was exhausting at times, but I made it through fine.

I think that I need to push myself a little more to stay more active when I'm home all day so that I'm using that much energy throughout my day as well. Maybe not to the same extent that I'm exhausted by bedtime, but I think you understand.

Anyway, maybe it really doesn't have as much to do with weightloss as it does with habits that need changing. I don't know, but I know that I needed to get it out there. Now you know something else that I struggle with/am working on. :) Comments?

20 lbs = Hope

Me last April at my brother's wedding and Me today at church.

(sorry for less-than-optimal second photo...)

The reoccurring theme that's been in my mind all weekend has been that hitting my 20-pounds-lost mark has really done something to my moral.

It has given me hope like nothing I've felt thus far.

When I weighed myself and realized that I had passed the 20 pound mark of weight loss I realized that I was truly seeing something happen in my life. The weight is really coming off.

Six months ago I felt like it was hopeless and I had resigned myself to being the fat wife and mom. But I had decided that I was going to be okay with being a heavy woman. I wasn't going to hate myself for it. Yet, deep inside I was still miserable to some extent and I was scared of failure so I wasn't about to try dieting again.

Somewhere deep inside I knew I had to do something and that if I could just keep the scale from going up anymore that would be better than nothing.

Then I had a glimmer of hope in the shape of a nod from my husband, a talk with a friend and a talk with my mom. I could try and do something about my health, just start with little changes.

Though my journey has been slow, I haven't quit and now I've lost 21 pounds. I feel like there is real hope for me after all. Plus, I'm not on a diet, but I'm learning how to make better food choices and listen to my body. This means to me that what I am doing is going to last - it's not just a program that will have an end. These are changes that are going to become, or have starting becoming, permanent.

For some reason that encourages me the most.

-I'm learning that exercise is a must and saving treats for once in a while is necessary.

-I'm learning I really like fruits and even a lot of vegetables.

-I'm learning that I really do feel better when I keep the fat % low.

-I'm learning that it's not so bad to have water with a meal.

-I'm learning that diet soda is a good way to cut out 140 calories a pop... pun intended. :)

-I'm learning that the hard work is worth it.

-I'm learning that I don't have to be the fat wife and mom anymore.

-I'm learning there is hope for someone who has spent most of her life heavy.

And it feels so good! There is an inexplicable joy that I am feeling about where I'm at right now. Maybe because I weigh what I did when we moved here two years ago, so any more losses will start putting me smaller than anyone here has known me. Or, maybe it's because I'm finally pushing myself a bit more and it's paying off.

I'm not sure.

All I know is that the word that keeps coming to mind is HOPE. There is hope for me yet and I will continue to press on, learning and going forward no matter what to continue on in my new ending.

Weigh-In ... MY 4 bags of sugar!!

Today's Weight: 210.0

Loss/Gain: -1.5 lbs

Total Loss So Far: -21.0 lbs

Finally!!!! I can say that I've lost 20 pounds!!!!! I've been on my feet all week at school, but I didn't have make time for actual workouts. So, I was hoping for even that little ole 0.5 of a pound that would bring me to 20 pounds lost. I got the added bonus of another pound.

I'm just a tad excited! :)

I really think cutting out the sweets, the late night eating and smaller dinner portions is making a difference. I'm going to get a walk in today and get those workouts back on track though. I will not use a loss-without-working-out week as an excuse to not workout.

So, here's to a happy Friday. Oh, and below are my four five-pound bags of sugar, because that's what I've lost in weight so far!!!!! (Thanks, Chris, for the idea. *wink* )

Happy Fall Moment

So, today I ironed a fall'ish t-shirt, that I bought and wore last year, to wear to school. I had packed away my fall and winter shirts and just brought out some a week ago.

And.......

The shirt fit nice and loose. Not too loose that I didn't want to wear it, but loose enough to be nice and comfy.

Last spring this shirt would've been VERY snug and had it been like that now I would've been so mad at myself for not fitting into clothes I wore just a year ago. Instead I was pleased and happy that I'm working on losing the extra weight so I don't have to have many more of those "I'm too fat for my clothes!" moments.

Glory!!