This morning there was no bread in the house that wasn't frozen, so I wasn't able to make my toast with peanut butter or an egg over toast. Yes, I could've made an egg by itself, but instead I decided to "live" a little and have a piece of apple spice cake for breakfast with my coffee. I also had a small brownie about an hour later, and a few bites of chocolate cake another hour later.
Wrong move.
I have felt guilt and self-abhorrence ever since then. I haven't had water in three days and have let the fruit stay in the fridge instead of eating it.
The sweets have entered my body much more than necessary and this morning was the final pieces that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Well, at least I hope they did...
Funny how what was once a habit that we laughed about, "Cake is great on Saturday mornings for breakfast!" now makes me sick, both physically and emotionally.
I almost didn't post about it, because I'm not proud of myself, but I know I'll feel better getting it out in the open. If nothing else, I'm honest in my journey towards my new ending.
So, in the atmosphere of honesty floating about let me say that being back at my parents has brought me to feeling like the "old" way of eating. Yet as I watch my mom I'm noticing that she doesn't eat like we used to. She has watched her portions and her sweets and drank lots of water daily. I keep thinking, "This is why she lost 40 pounds in half the time it's taken me to lose 32.
This means I have no excuse for not eating better on this trip. Yes, people have been bringing sweets with every dinner they bring for us and it's very nice, but it doesn't mean I have to eat all of it. I usually have something sweet at my own home, but I had reached a point where I was able to not need or desire it, except once monthly.
Having this feeling of no control again is starting to vex me. I'm going to use the afternoon and next day to try and figure out why I'm doing this and get a handle on it. Falling back into the old habits has not been comforting at all. They have only left me feeling yucky, and I don't like it one bit.
Thanks for "listening".
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hang in there hun
ReplyDeleteI found that End of Overeating book enlightening that way. It's hard to stop because we're wired not to... makes you think, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteGood luck and don't fret too much. You may have lost this battle but you're winning the war.
It really is scary how those old habits can come back so easily and quickly!
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't think they go away, really.
When food is an addiction, you can change the behavior, but not the wiring underneath. I always call this the 'old me,' but I should just call it old habits like you do.
I think we really understand each other, don't we? Thanks for stopping by this morning. Seeing you write about your frustrations motivated me to "come clean" on my own blog [that and Larkspur was nudging me :) ].
ReplyDeleteYou are making good observations and are at least conscientious about what is happening. :)
I'm sorry that you are struggling a bit. It's completely understandable given the stress you are dealing with. You may not be far enough along in this journey to sail through these kinds of life situations without fighting for every good choice. For me it took years to be able to not let stress affect my food choices. Not that it never does, but it does get easier.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up. You are still thinking about your journey and you will be fine!! Look how far you've come.
I think its wonderful that you caught this so quickly and that you felt ill reverting backwards. It just shows how far you have come, and how successful this is going to be for you.
ReplyDeleteWe're all human, so give yourself a break...and a pat on the back!
You can do it girl!!
ReplyDeletethose unhealthy habits may know how to hide, but they seem to always be there waiting to jump us!
ReplyDelete