"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,
anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." ~ Anonymous

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Excerpt From The Past

I'm in the middle of a few worst days where I don't want to do anything right for my body, I begin to doubt myself/dislike myself and I truly feel like this time of the month is a curse. So, I'm going to post something that I read last week that gives a little insight to my background and the struggle I am facing have faced in the past.

This is taken from a journal entry about 1.5 years ago. Name(s) have been removed to protect feelings.

"March 17,2008 - Comfort Eating That Hurts

Tonight I find myself sitting here typing because I can’t sleep yet; not because I’m not tired, but because I feel so full that I don’t want to lie down just yet. It’s an awful, uncomfortable feeling, but it’s not an uncommon one. I’ve felt this before and just like in the past I find myself thinking, “Why do I do this to myself?”

[blah....blah...blah...private stuff....all about food and family who eat a lot....blah ..... blah.....]

One more thing… though I don’t want to admit it, I’m going to have to learn how to eat less around **** and not feel bad for doing so. I don’t like to see *** eating so much and being so out of shape and so I just go right along with the eating habits so I don’t offend ***, but I need to stop feeling that way.

[ a little more blah...blah ...and private thoughts...]

I don’t want to seem snotty about food to ****, but I’m tired of feeling so full and yucky from eating too much…it’s no longer comforting like it used to be. "

I can't really think of anything to say, except this is my heart wide open for all to see. It makes me want to cry, because when I wrote this I had also written that I was going to work on losing weight, etc. etc. and I never went any further with it that year. In fact, a year after this journal entry I had gained more weight and loss all hope of ever being thin or gaining control of myself.

Thank the Lord this is changing, albeit slowly, and next March I'll have a happier journal entry to write. (I write this last sentence from my mind, because my emotions are not agreeing with me today...)

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry that you are having a hard, emotional kind of day. Instead of discouraging you, perhaps you can look at that journal entry as an encouragement. You have made a lot of positive changes lately, and you can make even more.

    So you didn't get going right after you wrote that entry. You are going now and have already lost 16 pounds. Have you lifted 3 bags of flour at one time lately? It's really heavy, and you don't have to carry that around anymore.

    I'm praying you have a better day!